The Dao and De of Shaolin Monkey

2004-03-03T00:44:00.000Z

This is a weird little online game. It's completely free, which is great. It's a kind of text based and turn based thing along the lines LOTR, but relies on recruiting to do well...

I've started my own Orc army, but I need officers. This will help us wipe out some Elves, Humans and Dwarves so we can steal all their gold. Smart!!!

It's about time Orcs got their own back after the stuffing they got in Return of the King...

Shaolin Monkey needs You!

If you're interested in joining, click here:

Stinky Monkey Finger Recruitment

Once you've joined you'll be putting together your own army, including your own armoury, soldiers, training, gold, defenses and the chance to recruit your own officers! You also get your own unique recruitment link to get your friends on board as Officers under you. Each day your recruitment link is clicked you get a soldier to add to your ranks too!

We're already looking pretty good- check out the website I've set up for my Officers:

Stinky Monkey Finger Army Official Website

Get on board and PM me your unique recruitment link. I'll ensure you're added to my website and get the guys to click your link and give you extra soldiers every day. We've been playing this for about a week now, and it's great fun! Check out this forum for our tactics and battle plans:

Stinky Monkey Finger Army Battle Plans

2004-02-09T21:52:00.000Z

Howdy folks.

Sorry I haven't posted in such a long time. It's been an incredibly eventful year, which has included some real highs and lows. Throughout all of it, Claudia has been the best thing to have ever happended to me, and I'm sure to Nic also.

She's almost a year old. Here she is at Xmas, getting ready for Easter:

2003-03-22T00:23:00.000Z

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Moderate
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	High
Antisocial:	Moderate
Borderline:	Moderate
Histrionic:	Very High
Narcissistic:	High
Avoidant:	Low
Dependent:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Low
-- Click Here To Take The Test --

2003-03-19T14:55:00.000Z

Many thanks to those who helped me decide which monkey to go for, but it was probably an already foregone conclusion. It had to be no. 3!

Here is Claudia enjoying the company of her new friend!

2003-03-15T15:31:00.000Z

Hi all!

As a long time poster on Blogger now, I have found other members and readers comments to be insightful and thought provoking. While I have not always agreed with the varied points and opinions expressed here, I have come to respect your judgement in important matters.

Now I call upon your good selves to give me your opinion on a matter that has plagued me the last 24 hours. I have thought long and hard on the matter, and really need some second opinions before I take any action.

Please help me choose a monkey!

I used to have a great puppet monkey when I was a kid. I want to get something similar for Claudia, and have found some great puppets I can purchase online. However, I can't decide between the four below. Can you have a look and let me know which you think is best please? Vote below! Ta!

Number 1

Number 2

Number 3

Number 4

In case you're interested, you can find this puppet store here:
Puppets By Post

Some of the puppets are amazing!

2003-03-12T02:25:00.000Z

Apologies for no posts since Claudia was born - been too tired, plenty to do, too much to say. Here's some congrats messages Nic and I got re her arrival. Many thanks to all for the well wishes, chocolates, champagne, cigar, babygrows, toys and cards.

Dave,

Huge congrat`s to you and Nic. Claudia looks lovely and I couldn`t be more pleased for you both. Sorry haven`t been in touch much - will send Baynhamesque mullet-inspired email in due course!

Love to you both,

Matt

Congratulations mate,
Couldn`t have happened to a nicer guy. Hows things @ the mo?
Best wishes to mother and baby.
im really chuffed for you.

joe

Aw mate congratulations, she looks wonderful! :)
Hope to see you all soon, take care

Kee :O)

You little beauty! Good luck old boy; if she's inherited any off that Scotish gumption, it a long and feisty time of sleep deprivation for you mucker............best wishes dave......your friend, nick xxx

She is a cutie. None of her fathers looks! :p
Seriously what is you postal addy so I can send you guys a present.
Oh and I wish you many sleepless nights!!! :D

What a crazy baby!
We look forward to seeing her (and you) soon.

Richard

awww! she beautiful, she tiny!!!
Congrats again dada!

Lou xx

OH MMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYYY
GOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
HOW CUTE!!!!!!!! look at u, all growned up and a daddy! how gorg is she!
also im supa pleased as shes a pisces, like maself, and were the bestest
sign eva! luv and hugs to u all! jeeeeeeesus, how broody am i now?!!!

Hi there Dave
Congratulations on the birth of Claudia! She looks lovely and a nice weight
too. I hope that the labour wasn't too stressful for Nicky and that she
soon gets over it. I suppose there will be a cut in your outings to the gym
and wild boozy nights out - hope she's a good sleeper!

Lots of love Adrienne xx

Dear David and Nic
She's gorgeous! Dying to come down and see her in the flesh. Seems like everybody has seen her except me. How is the feeding going?
Looking forward to seeing you all soon
Love

Mum
xxx

hey dude!
as i said in the text message, congrats!!
better get some Maiden on the go right now. catch em while they're young!!
;)
stay metal dude!

nealp

Hey there papa Chin!
spect you're still buzzing & bouncing around with joy. I will need all the gory details eventually, stitches, blood loss etc. but I'll leave those until later.
Is she beautiful? Does she have hair? Is she long & thin or short & round? Is she a cross or a placid baby? I can't wait to see you all & have to confess I shed a little tear of happiness this morning. I'm trying to get hold of Jules so we can do some combined auntie squealing!
lots of love to you all, see you soon
xxxxxxxxxxx

Cathy Phelps

Congratulations matey!!!
All the best to you Nic and baby Claudia.
May you enjoy many sleepless nights like I have!!!!!

matt davies

CONGRATULATIONS!!
Long sleepless nights and fun filled days to come

David

congrats!! it was about time though! seemed liek she was pregnant for like forever, you are evry lucky, very happy for you :o)
take good care fo your ickle baby and your girl,
kiz x

2003-02-22T22:28:00.000Z

2003-02-21T06:08:00.000Z

Claudia born at 2.09am this morning, ten days earlier than expected, weighing in at 6lbs 11oz. It was a long, hard labour for Nic, but she got there in the end. Mum and baby doing fine, Dad on Cloud 9! Pics to follow in a few days.

2003-02-20T00:58:00.000Z

When someone makes a move
Of which we don't approve,
Who is it that always intervenes?
U.N. and O.A.S., They have their place, I guess,
But first - send the Marines!

We'll send them all we've got,
John Wayne and Randolph Scott;
Remember those exciting fighting scenes?
To the shores of Tripoli,
But not to Mississippoli,
What do we do? We send the Marines!

For might makes right,
And till they've seen the light,
They've got to be protected,
All their rights respected,
Till somebody we like can be elected.
Members of the corps
All hate the thought of war;
They'd rather kill them off by peaceful means.
Stop calling it aggression,
Ooh, we hate that expression!
We only want the world to know
That we support the status quo.
They love us everywhere we go,
So when in doubt,
Send the Marines!

Tom Lehrer

If you can download the above from anywhere, do so - it's a cracking song!

So, what's new? Nicola is getting really jacked off with the pregnancy now. She wants Claudia out, and sharpish. She runs to the toilet every 10 mins, complains of the baby shoving into her ribs and back, and has the most terrible time just getting from A to B, even if A is the living room and B is the bathroom. Her temper is frayed, she seems constantly irate and she claims to be thoroughly sick about thinking of baby things.

I'm ok - got a bit of a stiff neck and cough, some kind of cold. If I feel this bad in the morn I'm not going to work. I thought training might loosen me up, but no, my neck is in two and I can hardly breathe I'm so stuffy. Still, at least I'm not lugging around an extra stone in placenta and baby...

Mike, my Sifu, has given us a baby bouncer 'on extended loan', which is dead nice of him. Nicola should be pleased with that.

Only a week and a half to go... SHITTT!!!!

2003-02-18T08:32:00.000Z

Never think that war, no matter how necessary, nor how justified, is not a crime. - Ernest Hemmingway

Well, these Anti War Marches have stirred up peoples feelings, there's no doubt about that. Here are a few forums I frequent, as an example:

Cyberkwoon
Cyberkwoon Part Deux
That Forum

Here's a summary of my feelings on the matter - no doubt misguided and naive, but there you go:

I would love a regime change in Iraq - Saddam is obviously an extremely nasty, vicious, arrogant individual who has committed many human rights abuses on his own people.

However, so have many other dictators in the world, such as those of Burma, some parts of Africa, and dare I say it, Turkey. Bush isn't going after those guys - why not? If this war he wants so much is on humanitarian grounds then surely he should be attacking those countries and states also?

Regarding this threat of biological or chemical warfare, so far the inspectors have found nothing. Admittedly Iraq is a big place, and installations can be moved around to avoid detection, but nothing has been PROVED. Until then we can't just bomb Bhagdad (sp?) 'cos we think he MIGHT have them!?!

Anyway, 'this isn't the blimmin dark ages' - the UN is there so the countries of the world can come together and resolve these issues peacefully, not for some bullyboy nation to stomp all over their accords and say 'F**k it, we're going to bomb the b*****ds anyway.' So much for 21st century progress!

I think there is an ulterior motive to the present US administration's move to war, and that is in controlling Iraq they also control the 2nd largest reserves of oil in the world. There's a puppet government in Afghanistan after the US invasion, and pipelines being built as we speak. Perhaps they mean the same for Iraq? Also, the present US administration has moved to devastate the Alaskan wildlife preserves to lay pipelines there too.

It may sound like some 'out there' conspiracy theory, but when you consider the US is the biggest user of fossil fuels in the world (by a LARGE percentage!), and is heading for a massive energy crisis, AND that Bush appears to be a puppet for the Oil Barons, it doesn't seem so far fetched.

Therefore, I find the US wanting to attack Iraq EXTREMELY suspect.

Just my opinion, of course.

I think the difference between say, the war in former Yugolslavia, and a proposed war against Iraq is that when intervening in former Yugoslavia there did not appear to be any ulterior motives or too many conflicts of interest. There certainly wasn't any oil to be gained. As such we can say it was purely on humanitarian grounds.

Using the humanitarian grounds card in starting a war with Iraq doesn't cut any ice with me because there are too many other issues, not least the US administrations aggressive approach to providing gas, coal, petrol power to it's citizens. The cynic in me still thinks it's more about the oil and protecting the lifestyle of Americans as they have it at the mo.

One point about terrorism - going to war on a country is more likely to start terrorism than prevent it! Look at the UK trying to control Ireland. Opening a big can of whupass on Iraq is going to have far reaching consequences for every country in the Western world I reckon, and others besides.

Ok, so we may have exhausted many forms of diplomacy and other peaceful resolutions to the situation, but that doesn't mean ALL options have been used up! C'mon people, a bit of optimism please - war HAS to be an absolute last resort, or we may as well give up now, and all go slit our own throats.

2003-02-14T23:12:00.000Z

"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - Ed Asner

That's reassuring...

Well, it seems my blog is picking up a bit of traffic - who would have thought??? The mutterings of some ex-deaf Scottish mutant about to be thrust into the spotlight of fatherhood are actually reaching the ears of friends and folks around the world. How bizarre! I wonder how long before friends and family close to me find this blog? Six degrees of seperation and all that...

Anyway, Happy Valentines Day! I've actually been pleasantly surprised today. We've sent each other some nice Valentines Day E-cards, both pleading poverty and not buying cards. I thought I'd be a clever bugger and get her the Powerpuff Girls Movie on DVD, but blew it by not being able to contain myself a few days ago, and blurting out what I'd got her. She was pleased, but said she wasn't getting anything for me. I said no probs. She got me a new watch!!! Mine got lost/stolen during my 30th birthday celebrations, and I spotted a reasonably priced Accurist that was similar a few days previously. She only remembered and went out and got me that exact same goddam watch! She's so sweet. She really does love me.

Anyway, it's too big and I'm taking it back tomorrow.

As for pregnancy stuff, we've been taking more of an interest in childcare. Cheapest we can find is about £25 per day! Bloody hell! Well,w e can't survive on my wage alone, so it's got to be done. Can't be helped. Abject poverty for the next four years looms, until Claudia goes to nursery and school. mind you, we'll still be poverty stricken paying for school uniforms anyway. Heigh Ho.

Got an email from Mil Millington the other day, thanking me for putting his book before my unborn child, by saying I wouldn't flog it on eBay. Get real Mil! The first sign of my nipper going without anything and your book will be amongst the first up against the eBay wall! It just so happens I'm selling my Terry Pratchett and Iain Banks stuff first...

So, what about some monkey related stuff to end on? Sure, why not, the darn simians.

2003-02-08T16:46:00.000Z

Brief return of the Monkey Quote - 'The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.' - Peter Kay

Afternoon all. I'm chilling out and listening to 'Abbey Road' after a hard day cleaning the house. It's been a hectic week - two trips to the hospital, one I mentioned below and the other for the scan last Weds. Claudia is doing fine, but Nic's notes were lost and we had to wait two and a half hours to be seen by anyone.

When Nic was having the scan she broke down in tears 'cos of the tiredness and stress involved. Poor thing! She told the nurse she was jacked off with the wait etc when asked what was wrong, but I think the nurse was used to it, and didn't bat an eyelid. She just went on telling Nic the baby was fine, and pointing things out on the monitor for Nic to see.

Only three weeks to go - yikes! It's going to be mad for quite a while, until things settle down. We're going to have family coming and going from all over the place. My Mum is coming down from Edinburgh, Nic's family is coming up from Devon, and my sisters and stepmum are coming from Pontypridd. Oh, and we'll have to fit my dad and his partner in somewhere also! Blimey... I'd better enjoy the peace and quiet, 'cos what with a screaming nipper and loads of concerned family all over the place, it ain't going to last for long!

2003-02-04T23:09:00.000Z

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of G-d, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....what? (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was a man, who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

2003-02-03T18:17:00.000Z

We had a bit of a scare today. Well, it's been over the last 48 hours or more. Nic mentioned that Claudia's movements were becoming weaker and less frequent, which was supposed to be a bad sign. Over the weekend we kept a close eye on things, and finally Nic decided to call the midwife while we at work, as it still wasn't looking great. The midwife said we should come straight in and they'd do things like listening to the baby's heartbeat etc.

This worried me no end! In fact, I think I was more worried than Nic. She was telling me to calm down, not the other way round. Anyway, my boss said no probs, so off we went. Wouldn't you know it, as soon as Nic was strapped up to the machines for monitoring this and that Claudia went nuts, and was moving all over the place! The end results of the tests were positive, but they're going to double check when we come back for the scan on Wednesday.

Phew! After all the excitement and stress I decided to call my Sifu to let him know I wouldn't be training tonight - I think Nic and I need to stay in and chill out.

2003-01-30T01:07:00.000Z

Join Rooting Out Evil in challenging rogue states run by military fanatics who produce and conceal weapons of mass destruction.

In the new year, they will be sending a team of volunteer weapons inspectors into that greatest of rogue nations, the United States of America.

The US has been selected the as their first priority based on criteria provided by the Bush administration. According to those criteria, the most dangerous states are those run by leaders who:

1) have massive stockpiles of chemical, biological, and nuclear weapons;
2) ignore due process at the United Nations;
3) refuse to sign and honour international treaties; and
4) have come to power through illegitimate means.

The current US administration fulfills all these criteria. And so, again following Bush's guidelines, Rooting Out Evil is demanding that his administration allow immediate and unfettered access to international weapons inspectors to search out their caches of chemical, biological, and nuclear weapons.

www.rootingoutevil.org

2003-01-25T20:51:00.000Z

Johnie Lad, Cock Up Your Beaver

When first my brave Johnie lad came to this town,
He had a blue bonnet that wanted the crown;
But now he has gotten a hat and a feather,
Hey, brave Johnie lad, cock up your beaver!

Cock up your beaver, and cock it fu' sprush,
We'll over the border, and gie them a brush;
There's somebody there we'll teach better behaviour,
Hey, brave Johnie lad, cock up your beaver!

Robert Burns
1791

It's Burns Night, hence the treat of one of his most intriguing poems! You can find his complete works on robertburns.org, including history, e-cards and all! Send your friends and family their own special Burns Poem!

I've had my traditional Burns Supper of haggis, mashed neeps and ..well, it's supposed to be mashed potato, but I hate it so I had some nice fresh carrots instead. Lovely! I should have got a wee dram to have gone with it, but I felt my liver groan at the sight of a bottle of whisky, so I've settled for a few lagers instead.

This Burns Night is a radical departure from my Burns Nights of yore. To start with, I'm celebrating it alone for the first time. Nic is down at her Mum's, and I went out with most of my mates last night - I don't have the money for a Burns NIght bender. Anyway, I'm picking a couch from Devon tomorrow (from Nic's parents) and I'm driving down with my Dad in the early morning, so I can't get wasted.

Recent years have seen me celebrate Burns NIght on with Nicola, whereas when I had a place of my own (well, generally bedsits in shared houses) I made sure my place was an open house for drinking, eating and, of course, Burns Poetry Reading Competitions! I always prepared some great prizes, including model haggi, specially printed 'Burns Night at Dave's Place' mugs, complete with pictures of a haggis, and last but not least, haggis. The revelries lasted long into the night, and after 5 consequtive Burns NIghts in Cardiff I got a name for celebrating it in style. Most stylish was my kilt, which I wore with great aplomb. Whenever I was asked if anything was worn under it, I'd reply 'Nah, it's all in very good condition'. Tara boom.

Recent years it's been a different story, having moved in with Nic and settled (kicking and screaming) into a more quiet and civilised life, minus the huge parties, the binge drinking, and the wild weekends. It's not so bad now I can look back on the crazy years with fondness and nostalgia, rather than wishing I was doing it all again. Life takes you strange places - 'I've been from one end of the galaxy to another, and seen a lot of strange things' as a certain smuggler used to say. However, for all I have seen and done, I feel a great adventure waiting ahead, in the form of a radical lifestyle change once again. Having familiarised myself with and started to enjoy a more sedate and comfortable life, it's odd that we're turning it all upside down again very soon.

I really don't have any idea what it'll be like to raise a child, other than the clues I got when my little sister Jane was born. I was thirteen at the time. I was once playing with her in the garden, not long after she was born. It occurred to me that when she was going to be my age I would be 26. I considered how she would have grown by then, what she would be like, and also how I fitted into her life. It all seemed so far away. Now here I am, seventeen years later, comtemplating how old I'm going to be when my child hits my age, and how I'll fit into her life. I imagine if I'm still around at sixty I will be equally amazed at how quickly it all seems to have gone.

I've emailed Nic tonight to let her know she can call the baby Claudia, on the condition our next child , should we have one, is named by me alone. I think she'll go for that 'cos she's determined to call the child Claudia. She promised her pet cat Claude on his deathbed she'd name her first child after him. As you can tell, her cats mean a great deal to her.

I have been very resistant to it because I went out with a woman for a while, who had a daughter named Claudia. She really was a lovely child, and her mother was a delight also. It was a very brief relationship,. but it was safe3 to say I was in love with her, and thought she was 'the one'. She became pregnant by me, but after much deliberation, discussion and soul searching she decided to have an abortion, although I had asked her not to. It was a hard time - emotions were frayed, everything was tense, and as a result the relationship went down the tubes quite quickly. It left me with a tremendous sense of loss, and still leaves a shadow on my soul to this day. For me to call my child Claudia would be to remind myself of those times, which I'm not really keen on.

However, I've relented, and let Nic name our child Claudia, because after all, all that is in the past and it is a nice name. I'm sure my daughter will wipe out the pain I associate with the name Claudia, and give me plenty else to think about.

2003-01-21T00:02:00.000Z

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. Hate multiplies hate, violence multiplies violence, and toughness multiplies toughness in a descending spiral of destruction....The chain reaction of evil -- hate begetting hate, wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.
--Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. (1929-1968)

This upcoming (and it seems unavoidable with America the way it is) war in Iraq must be affecting me. It's hanging over everyone's heads though, isn't it? More on that in the mo.

Life here isn't bad. Quiet, but not bad. I'm absolutely brassic, and will definitely be in the red before next payday, but I'm surviving. Still making training, but only once a week, every Monday, because Nic and I have recently started ante-natal classes which fall on the other day I train. We had our first last week, which was fairly interesting, but not stuff we hadn't read up on anyway. All about pain relief, from gas and air to epidurals. Nic wants the lot! Fair enough, I say. It was reassuring for Nic to see lots of other women there in the same boat as her, and bigger even! Nic's a fair size now, that's for sure.

I'm really not looking forward to seeing her in so much pain. Apparently as a bloke it's horrible watching someone you love in such pain, yet unable to do anything about it. I'm also a bit worried about other things fathers are supposed to do in the delivery room, such as weep uncontrollably, pass out, puke etc etc. I want to be as supportive and helpful as possible. Nic has bookmarked a website just for me, which I'm working my way through slowly.

I had a dream last night, which was odd to say the least. I was wandering the streets of Pontypridd (goodness knows why) and was suddenly dragged into this weird time-warp. I came round and was part of a platoon of British soldiers in WWII, and we were in the middle of trying to disable a railway line, to halt the advance of German troops. We stopped the train, but not the tanks and armoured cars that came up behind it. As we were running back to our lines mortar fire landed close nearby killing most of the people around me and stunning me. I lay on my side helplessly as German soldiers ran by, killing or capturing more of our guys.

As survivors we were rounded up and placed in a concentration camp. It seemed to be a bizarre fusion of 1940's technology and 21st century technology. I was trying to make everyone understand that I had no place being in the 1940's, and this technology wasn't as amazing to me as it was to the fellow concentration camp prisoners. Also, as our time in the camp lengthened I realised that if I didn't escape, or find some weird time wormholey type thing I didn't stand a chance of getting home in time to witness the birth of my first child. I was pleading with the guards, who just kept me under closer scrutiny, and helped by other inmates, but they all thought I was nuts. From the 21st century indeed! They didn't believe a word I said.

The dream went on for a while like that, until someone managed to find me a German soldiers uniform, and I managed to slip out. A few fellow concentration camp prisoners came with me. On the way out of the grounds we saw some horrible things, including firing squads, torture chambers and goodness knows what else. By this time I was terrified I'd be caught and never get a chance to see my child. I really was so scared! The true horror wasn't until we got out into the woods, and were skulking in the grass verge by a road, and I saw a convoy of biological and nuclear warheads being carefully driven by under armed escort. The others with me asked what the matter was and I told them WWII would be nothing compared to any war that involved those fuckers.

It was around then I came round and thanked my lucky stars it was just a dream. I had been convinced what was happening around me was real. It was all so vivid!

So as you can see, although I'm not conciously dwelling on the threat of war, and the effect it might have on my soon to be family, my subconcious is soaking it all up like a bloody sponge. Damn brain.

2003-01-12T23:13:00.000Z

Life is not meant to be easy, my child; but take courage - it can be delightful. - George Bernard Shaw, 1856 - 1950

Nic has been encouraging me to read up on the birth and delivery, so today I tackled that section in the Miriam Stoppard book. I was particularly interested in the 'what your partner can do for you' section. My role will be to offer encouragement, support her weight if she wants to sit or stand in particular ways, mop her brow, give massages, help measure contractions, go through the breathing exercises and generally reassure her. It made me more nervous if anything, 'cos it was saying things like 'don't be offended if she shouts at you', and told me not to get upset as it will only make matters worse. Also, it told me to prepare to see Nic in a great deal of pain, and not be able to do much about it. Not nice!

Also, the things Nic will be going through before the abby is delivered sounds appalling. I won't go into it here, but it sounds terribly painful and apparently takes up to a year for your body to recover from. Poor Nic! I pray she feels it was all worthwhile when Spudulika is put in her arms.

Only seven weeks left, and I'm getting butterflies! Nervous? Too bloody right. Still, we've put the cot together, and the littl crib, and we've got loads of clothes. We've also got a nice stock of nappies on the go too. Nowhere near enough, by the sounds of things. 50 a week isn't unusual. No wonder landfill sites are getting filled with unbiodegradable nappies at a rate of knots!

We've been discussing how we're going to pay for it all too. Nic has 6 weeks from the date she leaves work on full pay, but after that it's only £75 a week. £300 a month! That doesn't even cover the bills she pays. I'll be looking to up my outgoings another £100 or so just to make up that shortfall and ensure the mortgage is paid etc. After that I've got to find money for Nic, the baby and me. Time for a 2nd job...? Looks like all our little luxuries are going to go out the window. No more gym membership, that's for sure. It'll have to be sandwiches into work every day - no more canteen curries or salads. Our alcohol consumption is probably going to be nil too. Thank goodness we've got the home entertainment system sorted, 'cos we sure won't have the dosh to go anywhere after the nipper is born, that's for sure. I pray I'm able to afford training. That's about £7 a week, not including bus fares etc. We'll see.

Still, it's not all bad. At the end of all this we will have a lovely daughter, all going well. I'm sure she'll make us feel it's all worthwhile. It's what I've always wanted, anyway.

Coming to grips with a totally dependent person is going to be weird. The problem is, both Nic and I are in our 30s. Our characters are pretty much set in stone, now, as our our habits, expectations, likes and dislikes. A baby is going to force us to radically change our attitudes and adapt to a new situation in a very short space of time. How well are us middle-aged bods going to cope? Mid-twenties is supposedto bethe best time to adapt to new situations like this, if not before. Oh well, again only time will tell. I don't suppose there's much point fretting about it. It's out of our hands now!

2003-01-09T00:41:00.000Z

Office Quotes - Know your limitations and be content with them. Too much ambition results in promotion to a job you can't do.

First day back in training today, and in a new training hall too. Great! They went easy on us so I only ache a little bit. I did a colour quiz type thing today. Here are my results:

Free personality analysis from ColorQuiz.com.
Generated on Wed Jan 8 16:27:21 2003.

Your Existing Situation

Sensitive; needs esthetic surroundings, or an equally sensitive and understanding partner with whom to share a warm intimacy.

Your Stress Sources

Wants to overcome a feeling of emptiness and to bridge the gap which he feels separates himself from others. Anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to explore all its possibilities, and to live it to the fullest. He therefore resents any restriction or limitation being imposed on him and insists on being free and unhampered.

Your Restrained Characteristics

Willing to become emotionally involved, but demanding and particular in his choice of a partner and in his relations with those close to him. Needs reassurance and is careful to avoid open conflict since this might reduce his prospects of realizing his hopes.
Feels trapped in a distressing or uncomfortable situation and seeking some way of gaining relief. Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity providing no turmoil or emotional agitation is involved.

Your Desired Objective

Seeks the determination and elasticity of will necessary to establish himself and to make himself independent despite the difficulties of his situation. Wants to overcome opposition and achieve recognition.

Your Actual Problem

Strongly resists outside influence and any interference with his freedom to make his own decisions and plans. Works to establish and strengthen his own position.

Your Actual Problem #2

Afraid that he may be prevented from achieving the things he wants and therefore demands that others should recognize his right to them.

However, this is the best online quiz ever.

2003-01-07T23:19:00.000Z

Office Quotes - Never do today that which will become someone elses responsibility tomorrow.

Ooh, only eight weeks to go. Nic'sa parents came by on the weekend and bought us a pram. All told it was close to £300! Blimey! Just as well we didn't have to get one ourselves - it would have been second hand, I tell you that for nowt. Still, the new pram does look fab...

Also, Nic found a great site for baby clothes. They're a bit pricey, but we'll have to invest in at least one romper suit I think.

A mate asked me what imminent fatherhood felt like. I said 'It's like going into a ring to spar with someone you've never met before. You've no idea what their tactics are going to be, how hard they're going to hit you or .. er... how much it'll cost you, know what I mean...?'

He said ' Interesting analogy! To be honest, I think I'd rather get into a ring with Tank Abbott than have a kid - at least it would be over very quickly!'. Hahahaha!

Anyway, it's been a while since I supplied any vaguely amusing links. Here's some for you.

Obligatory Star Wars Flash Animation

Adopt a Monkey

Neal being a tw*t in Australia

Pretty Fireworks

A Game of Skill

Interesting stuff about a company I know fairly well

On a final note, enter the following words into a Google search, and see which website pops up in third place.

'platitude quoting smug'

Leave out the inverted commas, of course...

2003-01-02T23:19:00.000Z

Office Quotes - You don't have to be mad to work here, but you do have to be on time, well presented, a team player, customer service focused and sober!!

Happy New Year!

Well, there goes 2002, my last year as a free man. Enter 2003, the year (all going well) I enter the year of parental responsibility. Blimey - not long now! Only 9 weeks. Nicola is getting pretty big too, and pretty nervous. Her Mum and Stepdad are coming up on Saturday to buy us a decent pram, so that should be cool.

As for Xmas, well, it was quite dull really. Nic couldn't drink, and I couldn't drink that much for fear of pissing her off too much. We sat around on Xmas day and watched TV, ate lots of food and opened tons of prezzies. Unfortunately I forgot to get two of the most important presents for Nic, snorking dogs calendar and the Powerpuff Girls Movie DVD, but she didn't pull an eppy fit this time, so that was nice.

New Year was fun - we went over to some friends, got royally pissed (except Nic), went into town, saw a great Queen tribute band and got soaked. Nic headed home while I went over to a friends place for more partying. However, when I called Nic to see if her trip home was ok I had to head home quickly - Nic had been barged about on the way home, was soaking wet 'cos none of the laid on buses turned up, and was feeling downright miserable. Poor babe! An hour or so of cooching and she was feeling a little better about things, so off to bed she went. I did my usual trick of sticking on a film and passing out about halfway through it.

So that was all my excitement. I like New Year, but I'm never that keen on Christmas, usually 'cos it leaves me financially crippled for a couple of months afterwards. This year hasn't been so bad, mind you. I might stay in the black until payday if I take it easy on the ole spenderoonies. We'll see.

So, how was your New Year?

2002-12-21T23:29:00.000Z

Howdy! No quotes or anything today, as I store them on Outlook, and it's causing configuration problems with the software I've installed to run my new 128K net connection. As soon as I've been able to get through to the technical support guys at NTLworld perhaps I'll be able to run Outlook again. For any regular reader, please use my Hotmail address at the mo, as I still have access (and now quite FAST access) to the internet.

So, what's new? Well, my niece (Nicola's really, but I hope I'm becoming part of the family) and her mum came donw, and we'd bought tickets to see a theatrical production of 'Babe: Sheep-Pig' at a local theatre. Nic and I thought it'd be a chore - oh, how wrong we were! What a great show! I was on my edge of my seat as a tale unfolded of how Farmer Hogget won a pig at a fair, and the poor thing's trials and tribulations as it learns from the farms sheepdogs. It was set to music - all the actors were also accomplished singers and musicians. Great stuff! What made it even more special to me was the fact that a good mate of mine, who I haven't seen in about four months, was playing Farmer Hoggett. I almost leapt out of my seat in surprise, and when I pointed him out to Nic he saw me and gave me the nod. He was brilliant! He so suited the role.

Anyway, I've got to dash as I've just downloaded something which should allow me to play Unreal Tournament online... See you later!

2002-12-15T20:52:00.000Z

Office Quotes -
Remember the 3 golden rules:
1. It was like that when I got here.
2. I didn't do it.
3. (To your Boss) I like your style.

Well, another gap in typing, but only 5 days this time. Plenty to report so I'll try and keep it short and sweet.

Nic's not been that well - really bad cold and yesterday her nose started pumping out tons of blood - very weird! One minute she'd been leaning over the Xmas tree, sorting out the decorations, next she's try not o get bloodstains all over the carpet. We dug out the first aid book, and followed the advice, but it was easily 40 mins before the blood flow started slowing down. It bled again a little this morning, and a little tonight. We called the free NHS helpline and they took details and advised Nic to go straight to the doctors in the morning or call an emergency doctor if it starts pumping out at the rate it was last night. It's such a shame - we had great plans to do healthy things, like go for a walk, go swimming, go somewhere nice to eat, but Nic has to take it easy. As a result we've had a very lazy, though nervous, weekend.

Anyway, she's fine at the mo, and the baby is still kicking like mad, so there don't seem to be any problems there. Phew!

My news is I passed my first grading in this new style I'm being taught, which was nice. Well, it was kind of nice, but I get the impression I scraped by. Mike, my Sifu, had plenty to say regarding improvements to the techniques I'd demonstrated, and we botrh knew my stances needed a LOT more work! I had to hold the dragon stance low on left for a minute then low on right for a minute and finally stand in Mabu (horse) for a minute. Normally in the house thhis isn't a problem, so thought I'd do ok, but of course I didn't allow for the killer warm up we do at the start of each Wednesday night sesh. As a result my legs were already wobbly going in, and by the time I was 20 seconds into the horse stance my thighs were screaming in agony. Mike said the noises and faces I was pulling made him think I was having a dump in my uniform. *sigh*

Anyway, I got it, and we went out for a celebratory pint with the guys after. I also was out on Thursday afternoon/night on a Xmas do with some bods from work. The people there ranged from my MD to my Ops Manager to all sorts of other bods doing similar jobs to me around the brands. According to my Ops Manager I did well. Even though I got completely hammered I didn't put my foot in it, didn't do anything stupid and managed not to insult anyone this time. Nice one!

Unfortunately all the drinking made me really ill, so it's probably just as well I've had a quiet weekend.

Anyway, what about you guys? Any news?

2002-12-10T22:24:00.000Z

Office Quotes - Know your limitations and be content with them. Too much ambition results in promotion to a job you can't do.

Woah, what a break that was! Almost a month! Sorry all! Phew, where did that go then? It's been a hectic week in a kind of semi-laid back frantic type let's do very little stylee.

Well, I'm 30 now. My 30th birthday came and went, but I did try and extend the end of my heady hedonism of my late twenties over four days of partying, starting on Saturday evening and finally ending at 4am on Tuesday morning. Plenty of partying, consummation of cheesy comestibles, friends, family, presents, gifts and suchlike helped the move from hedonism to responsibility fairly painless.

Ever since then I've been feeling slightly off kilter, but that's just my body recovering after the serious abuse I put it through on those four days, rather than any kind of metaphysical (or otherwise) angst about finally coming to grips with middle age.

Things here are ok, but Nic is heading into the last stage of pregnancy, and all her energy and vitality has been sapped again. She's dragging her belly around like a lead weight, and she still has 12 weeks to go. We're also still arguing over names. She still wants Claudia, I still don't, and my suggestions (Maia, Freya and Tilly) have been poo-pooed. It's gotten so bad my Mum sent us a baby names book, bless 'er.

Work is fine - as mundane as usual. A little stressful, but manageable.

Heigh Ho. Life goes on.

2002-11-21T22:44:00.000Z

Office Quotes - There's no 'I' in 'team'. But then there's no 'I' in 'useless smug colleague', either. And there's four in 'platitude-quoting idiot'. Go figure! Also, there may be no 'I' in team, but there's a 'ME' if you look hard enough.

First up, thanks to those who are regular readers who have provided me with support, pearls of wisdom and general 'Iknow where you're coming from' type comments. It's reassuring to know that in the void of insecurity, the net, and the millions of untold thoughts and feelings that there are those out there who can sympathise, empathise eulogise and contemporise. There's also a big (sp?!?) going out to that last sentence.

Sometimes I think it's worth leave the spelling mistakes and poor sentence construction in, on the off chance that some poor sod can glean some meaning from the otherwise meningles dribela nd hybrbole taht erupts from nmy gleaming carapce of slf pit and spudo-interlectual menderings. Then I read back and realise it looks like worse shit than I spout when it's legible, so rush back and correct as much as possible...

Anyway, I would say things are on the up, but I'm not sure they are. Nic is getting rounder by the minute, which is kinda cool. I've felt the nipper kick several times now, which is great. In fact, I was resting my head on Nic's belly and Spudulika kicked me in the face! That's my kinda gal! Now, if we can just perfect that roundhouse before she's out of the womb...

I've been in two training sesh's since last time I spake, Monday and Weds. Monday was ok - covered a lot of stuff ready for my grade next Monday. Wednesday was a nightmare. Stances, stances, stances. I looked at the clock expecting it to be way past 7.30pm, but it was only 7.05pm. At one point our teacher said our stances were shit, so drop and do fifty press-ups. By that point we were really glad to do fifty as it took the pressure off out poor screaming legs. I did the fifty in a state of euphoria knowing it gave my legs a few vital minutes to recover before we went over the goddam form again.

I was praying that the training sesh and the exercise would promote an endorphine rush throughout my body, and lift me from the funk I've settled into (it has in the past) but not this time. It just seemed to wipe me out mentally, physicallly and emotionally. It took me five pints in the after sesh piss-up to gain any sense of equilibrium and humour. Waaah! However, there is hope...

Tonight hasn't been so bad. Nic and I went over to Bishys house for a meal. He did us chinese chicken and noodle soup, totally cooked from scratch. Even though he used the most basic of ingredients it tasted fab, and together with a bottle of David Wynn wine and an Eddie Izzard video I found my spirits lifted immeasurably.

As for Class A's, I haven't touched any for over 6 months now. Perhaps that is a source of depression? God only knows Nic winges about it often enough. That and not being able to wear nice clothes, drink alcohol, smoke fags, blah blah blah.

>> Sharon Osbourne solves OJ mystery <<
They were celebrity gak dealers all along!

Sharon Osbourne has been telling people a
great story about the OJ Simpson case.

She claims that she and Ozzy stopped doing
drugs after Nicole Simpson was murdered -
because OJ and Nicole were their dealers. The
couple had carved out a niche for themselves
as suppliers of gak to the Hollywood A-list.

But OJ and Nicole's dealing led to unwelcome
attention from local organised crime, who
eventually put out a hit on Nicole to stop
their enterprise.

So... OJ is innocent, and the reason he jumped
in his Bronco and fled was because he was out
of his head on crack when the hitman took out
Nicole. And in that paranoid state he quite
reasonably thought they would be after him too.

Depression is never helped by those around you being morose also. I bought Nic a maternity swimsuit on eBay as exercise is supposedly good for both mother and child, but Nic just saw it part of my ongoing campaign to lift her away from her beloved couch and TV... *sigh* Bizarrely it was only when one her mates suggested going swimming with her that she seemed particularly keen. Is she trying to tell me something...? Answers on a post-it please.

2002-11-14T23:01:00.000Z

Office Quotes - If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation.

You don't have to be mad to work here, in fact we ask you to complete a medical questionnaire to ensure that you are not.

If you treat the people around you with love and respect, they will never guess that you're trying to get them sacked.

More of these as the days go by.

2002-11-14T00:24:00.000Z

Apologies for the lack of 'Joke of the Day' and other quotations etc... I just can't be arsed. I used to feel such animation and impetus when it came to joking around, passing on things I thought were funny and suchlike. Now I really can't bring myself to do it. I don't know why - life is pretty good. I should be happy. I shouldn''t be down. I have a roof over my head, food in my belly, money coming in, the love of a good woman, good friends, a kid on the way, and plenty to entertain me.

Then why do I feel so depressed?

My mum has suffered from mental illness all her life, and she was down the other day. I asked her why, and she said she was a bit skint which always brings people down. Thinking about it, I'm a bit skint too, but it's from my own doing - I just spent a little too much on eBay. Besides getting various baby acoutrements I've also got a few Gamecube and Gameboy games, a smart set of nunchaku and a kimono for a 1 year old. All good stuff, and all at a bargain price, but it's sure adding up!!!

Sometimes I pray that mental illness isn't genetic, and that I won't follow my mum into the mire of institutionalisation and anti-psychotic drugs. Your quality of life seems so compromised as a result of some minor chemical imbalance in your brain. Mind you, it doesn't help that I've had a nervous breakdown at the age of 18 and I'm already regarded as a bit odd simply because I have problems making those bad thoughts stay in my head.

I wish I could stop vocalising my inner pain. Nic has pointed out that when I want to stop arguing, or feel particularly badly about a point someone has raised, I start humming loudly. Also, I'm prone to screw my face up when past (bad) events occur to me. Unfortunately they seem to be occuring more and more often. My Ops Manager asked me (in the middle of a meeting) if I was ok 'cos a previous injustice from years ago flashed through my brain and I screwed my face up as if in agony. Truth be told, I was in agony from the memory but it wasn't until then I had any idea that what flashed through my brain also flashed up on my face. It took me a couple of minutes to assuage peoples fears and say that it was nothing, really. (ha!)

You know, everyone seems to have come across people in the street, usually down-and-outs, who are screwing their faces up, or waving their fists, or in some way speaking, gesticulating or expressing some sentiment for things not in their immediate vicinty.

I feel like them. It takes all my willpower and concentration not to join their ranks. The worst thing is, it's probably all my doing. The amounts of hard drugs I've taken in the past, coupled with the morally reprehensible acts that shadow my past, make me cringe mentally in agony at the slightest reminder.

Ah well, tough shit. I'd better just deal with it, I suppose. I just don't want any child of mine to have to deal with an emotional or mental cripple as a father.

2002-11-10T00:59:00.000Z

Blimey! It's been so long since I posted here! Sorry folks! I know I have some regular readers who must be annoyed by visiting my page only to find it still hasn't been updated, after a fortnight!!

Out of interest, I have a site stats thing to see where people have bounced here from, and it come up with some bizarre results. Take this one for example - some Swedish or Danish guy has been on the lookout for monkey and human porn and come across ... me! Nice one!

Anyway, so why haven't I posted in ages? I don't know. Depression maybe? I've been feeling quite low and lethargic, which could be a result of the nights drawing in, money running out, dealing with miserable whinging customers on a daily basis and poor health.

Remember the operation I had to remove some lumps? Three out of four incisions healed nicely, but the fourth turned septic. Had to take time off work, was put on some serious antibiotics and have been using painkillers a fair bit. Also I haven't been able to attend Kung Fu, which has made me feel really low. We have grades coming up, and I have no idea if I'm going to be able to take them now. I also had ordered sme new nunchuks from eBay, and received them after my arm got infected, so haven't had a chance to take them for a spin yet. Talk about severe bad timing. However, on the Oriental front, I did find a spectacular site for Origami Art - I recommed his letters pages, which I found enlightening in all senses of the word...

My 30th looms - 2nd of December for anyone who is interested. I was hoping to get completely off my face on whatever I could get my hands on, but it looks like, due to completely unreliable mates, that I'll just be getting pissed. I was hoping this party would be my last big blowout before Spudulika is born, but alas it looks like it's just going to be a common-or-garden piss up. Ah well.

Nic is fine. Her belly continues to grow, and she's feeling a bit self concious about it. Spudulik has been wriggling around loads, but I've not felt her kicks yet. Either they haven't been hard enough for me to feel or when she becomes particularly active when I place my hand on Nic's belly she stops moving around. Contrary creature, just like her Mum. Nic has her odd bad moments, like when we went to a fireworks display recently, and spent so much time with her head looking up she almost fainted. I had no idea until she suddenly knelt down with her head between her knees - freaked me out, I can tell you! I had to keep an eye on her for the rest of the night.

The nursery is filling up. Nic's mum hasbrought up loads of stuff for the nipper, such as clothes, a baby bath, car seat (not that we have a car, but will be handy if relatives want to take us for a spin), a mobile etc etc. I've tried to keep my eBay sepnding to a minimum when it omes to baby stuff, but couldn't resist bidding on a fab child's kimono.

Anyway, apologies for not posting a bit more often, but if I don't feel like it, I don't feel like it.

2002-10-29T23:15:00.000Z

Todays Top Joke - Q: How many marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None - the bulb contains within it the seeds of its own revolution.

Get your photofit done here.

Sorry about the lack of posts - I know it's been almost a week. In fact, it might even be a wekk - who knows?? To be honest, I just can't be arsed at the mo. It must be that winter feeling, y'know? I want to curl up in front of the Gamecube until summer comes again. Mind you, I've fucked my back up and the wounds from surgery are still healing, so I haven't felt my best.

Mind you, I have discovered eBay and am happily listening to a mint condition tape of Iron Maiden's Live After Death I got from there for £3, so that's a plus...

Anyway, Nic's fine, getting big, I'm fine and getting big (no gym or training for 3 weeks) and plans for my immenent 30th are afoot. A Cybie is on the way and Nic has hidden the personal CD player she recently bought me.

2002-10-22T21:47:00.000Z

Todays Top Joke - How many Labour Politicians does it take to change a lightbulb? One to take it out, another to point out it was an inferior lightbulb inherited from the previous Government, another to promise extra spending on subsequent lightbulbs and reduce waiting lists for them, a minor politician to declare there was no relationship with the lightbulb and the leader of the Labour Party to ally with it and declare war on a sovereign power to gain enough oil to power the lightbulb for a further 20 years. So about 200 of the buggers in all...

KIDS INSTRUCTIONS ON LIFE
Never try to baptize a cat. --Laura, Age 13

Howdy folks! It's taking me longer and longer to update my blog these days - almost a week since the last update! Many apologies to all my regular readers.

Right, what's first? Nic is doing really well, looking really pregnant now - quite round in fact. There's still 4 and a half months to go though. She's been dying to buy clothes for the child, but we want to see what her brother is giving her first. Lots of jolly stuff hopefully! His daughter has quickly outgrown it, and it's a lucky coincidence Nic is now preggers with a girl.

As for me, I've been spending a lot more time than I should have on eBay. I got a bit pissed on the weekend and had a good look through it when Nic went to bed. I typed in 'baby' in their search facility and found a plethora of cheap baby goods, new and used! Needless to say, being pissed and wanting to show willing I bid on a few items.

Thankfully in the morning it turns out I was outbid on many things by others, but still managed to obtain a box full of clothes for a girl aged 3-6 months, a brand new pair of baby shoes, 24 pairs of baby socks, a bottle warmer, a baby rucksack/carrier type thing, a touch and feel textures book and a Monkey-in-a-box!

Mind you, I also found time to bid on and win a brand new pair of nunchaku, a tape of Iron Maiden's fabulous 'Live After Death' and 'Doom' for the Gameboy...

Oh, blimey - I knew there was something else to report. Did I tell you about the White Porcelain Cat??? This email circular from my good self may help explain:

Man, this cat just keeps on hopping around the world! I'll let you know where he's been lately in just a moment, but before that, here's a reminder of what's going on.

If you haven't joined in the fun already, please do so now! Forward this email to anyone you feel may like to send a postcard to Paul Aubrey, and get him out of the office and into the world!

Here's a reminder of why I'm sending these emails:

I know the following will sound a bit odd, but have you seen the film 'Amelie'? In the film the main character steals her fathers garden gnome, and gets pictures of it taken around the world, which are then sent to her father as postcards. The idea was to try and get her father to get out more, and see the world.

Well, we're kind of doing something similar to a colleagues porcelain cat. We've kidnapped it, and are getting mates around the world to send postcards to him pretending to be the cat!

I was wondering if you could send a postcard from wherever you are at the moment? Please could you write something like this:

Hi Paul!
Have spent a lovely couple of days here. Weather nice.
[insert something about where the cat may have been exactly]
Hope you are well! See you soon!
lots of love
White Porcelain Cat XXXX

Could you send it to:
Paul Aubrey
8th Floor
elephant.co.uk
Capital Tower
Greyfriars Road
Cardiff CF10 3AZ

I know this is an odd request, but we feel it's the only way we can make the guy see there is life outside of the office!!!

Anyway, here's the update on postcards received so far. The most recently received have been from the US and France. He's had one from San Fransisco, and one from Disneyland! The postcard from France was from Limoges, a rather nice rural area, and a home of a fluffy cat the postcard designers saw fit to include on the front. Nice!

You should have seen Paul's face - it was a hoot! He still can't figure out who in the office knows so many people abroad! He has no idea it's me!!! Also, he has no idea where his cat is. In fact it's hidden behind a pillar three feet awayt from his desk! hahahahaha!

Ok, so far we have cards from Hull in the UK, Sydney in Australia, Quebec in Canada, New York in the US, San Fransisco in the US, Disney land in the US, somewhere in Korea and France. I hear tell there's more on the way from the US, Hong Kong and Japan. Brilliant!

Needless to say, Paul is very pleased with all his cards, but is wondering why the White Porcelain cat has so many different styles of handwriting.. !?!

Did I tell you there is now a company-wide competition going on here, to guess where the cat is sending a card from next? Someone guessed America when the New York one arrived, and won a nice bottle of wine, but no-one guessed Korea!

Remember, it's easy to join in and get others to join in. Pass this email to your friends and get them to send the cards to the address above!

Also, here are some more people who have kindly gotten involved:

page 1

page 2

Have fun!

Dave

Other than that, things are pretty cool, but dull. Nowt much else to report really. The wounds are healing nicely and I'm back in work - ya boo.

2002-10-17T21:25:00.000Z

Todays Top Joke - Where does Saddam Hussein keep his CD's? In Iraq.

KIDS INSTRUCTIONS ON LIFE
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. --Joel, Age 12

Owww owww oww ow, it hurts! Waah! I had my op today. More about that later though.

Yesterday Nic had her 30 week scan, and I was with her at the hospital. It was quite cool! She was ages getting the extra in-depth ultrasound, and I got to see a hell of a lot of the kid. Everything was fine, which was such a huge relief! No sign of Downs or anything similar. There was some kind of thing going on in the kidney, but they said that it was fairly common and should clear up by 36 weeks.

Also we found out the sex of the child - a girl! I'm going to have a daughter! Mad! Nicola was praying for a girl - she really didn't want a boy, so she dead chuffed. Now the arguments have started about naming her. Nicola is constantly haranging me to call her Claudia, and I want Freya.

Anyway, we're both dead chuffed everyting is ok, and it really is like breathing a huge sigh of relief. We were trying not to get too 'involved' before we got the result, and it was proving a strain. We didn't want to start getting stuff for her until we knew everything was alright, and we were trying not to get too attached to the idea of having a child in case we had to have it aborted.

Now, however, it's full steam ahead! As one of Nic's friends remarked - 'Let the shopping commence!' hahahahaha!

Anyway, at the 30 week mark Spudella looks something like this:

As for my op, what a day I've had! I was there by 12.30pm, but I was last on the list to be dealt with, so didn't get out of there until 5pmish. Still, I had my gameboy with me and just played Advance Wars for hours. Great game! Really sucks you in.

Anyway, eventually I was taken into the operating theatre, laid down, my lumps injected with local anaesthetic (painful!) and went straight under TWO knives! I had a surgeon on each arm! I had one massive lump removed from left arm and three smaller ones from my right. The surgeon on my right was obviously the more experienced, as he'd whipped out all three and had started stitching the holes up before the other had get hers out.

I wasn't allowed to watch the procedure, in case I breathed on the wounds and infected them. However, I asked if I could see what they'd removed at the end of it. The lumps were bizarre - like white candle wax that had been warmed and rolled into balls, but with weird thin veins running through them. Anyway, there had been sticky stuff holding some cloth to my arms, and at the end of the rpocedure they ripped it off. Man, I screamed! It had been stuck to my hairy arms, and as a result I got a free wax treatment. I tell you, that was the most painful part of the op! The rest was virtually painless.

Now the local has completely worn off I'm in quite a bit of pain, but they given me lots of co-codamol. It has yet to kick in though. They said I should only have one at a time, two if it was really painful, because two can make you quite spinny headed. Of course, I had two...

2002-10-14T07:32:00.000Z

Todays Top Joke - Sean Connery has fallen on hard times. All work has dried up and he's just sat at home twiddling his thumbs. Suddenly the phone rings and Sean answers it. It's his agent and Sean gets very excited. The agent says, "Sean, I've got a job for you. Starts tomorrow, but you've got to get there early, for 10ish." Sean frowns and replies, "10ish? But I haven't even got a racket."

That one's a bit of a groaner, eh?

Poor old Nic has done her back in, and has called in sick. She was complaining of a bad back due to the chair she uses at work, and then on the way out of work last Friday she slipped on the stairs and wrenched it even further. She bruised her knees quite badly too. The poor things was bawling her eyes out for ages, mostly 'cos of the shock I think. It could have been really bad - she could have fallen right to thebottom of the stairs, but she managed to grab me and a railing on the way down, and stopped herself. Anyway, she's on the mend.

I went paintballing on Staurday with Bishy and his brothers. It was for his 25th brithday. Only seven of the fifteen supposed to go turned up, but we still had a great time. I'm covered in little bruises from the paint pellets. Mind you, while being hit by a paintball is painful, the most painful thing that happened to me was crawling commando style through the mud, thinking I was being really clever and sneaking up on enemy lines, and crawling right into a patch of nettles!!! Aaargh!

I've got work in a few minutes, which I'm dreading. There was a huge cock-up which revealed itself on Friday - a woman I'd been sorting out had her account debited by us in error, and had no money for the weekend. This just compounded a long string of errors on our part, and she went ape. I've got to sort it all out today.

Great.

Besides that, there'll be more pain in training tonight.

*sigh* Why do I do it to myself?

2002-10-09T22:41:00.000Z

Todays Top Jokes - What's grey and smells of curry? John Major's cock.

Why did John Major have a stomach ache? He was always eating dodgy Curry.

Why did Edwina Currie get piles? She spent hours sitting on the John.

What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie? One fucked the miners, the other fucked the Majors.

Bloody hell, if it wasn't for the alcohol I would be in such pain. Kung Fu was a fucking nightmare tonight. Stance training and form training. No Nunchuks, no techniques, no fun. Just pain.

Now I understand why people prefer to just stay in and watch Deadenders.

However, one redeeming factor was the piss up afterwards. man, it's something I look forward to quite a lot these days - the Wednesday tipple with the guys. It's always the stalwarts who stay on - me, Bishy, Chris and tonight also Matt and his girlfriend. Great fun was had by all - I had no idea they shared my love of Coen Brothers films!

Anyway, if you want to know the time, this is a bit odd.

An old friend of mine is off to Australia. For posterity I post out tributes here:

My Tribute To the Great One, kind of... with the help of another MOP (minion
of palmer)

As a minion of the Great One I thought it wise to present this
questionairre. It has been compiled by all his minions, and will allow you
to judge for yourself how He will react to you, should you come across Him.
Be warned, if you fail this test you should move to another planet for fear
of invoking his wrath...

Question 1
Are you ever slightly miserable? If you answered yes you fail

Question 2
Neal is being annoying - is he
a) Throwing something at you\biting you\jumping on you\bragging about his
kung fu skills so you wont risk smacking him one
b) Calling you a wanker for no reason
c) Criticising a personal flaw
d) Taking offense at something you said for obscure reasons understood only
by himself
e) Drunk
f) All of the above

Question 3
'Thats Mr. Palmer to you English/Scottish/Anywhere Else in the World but
Welsh Wanker', has annoyed you. Do you
a) Tell him to fuck off
b) Throw a five pee coin in his pint
c) Make a mighty effort at self control and say yeah good one Neal,you
really got up my nose there you loveable scamp

If you answered 'a' you are unworthy and should grow up and stop being so
aggressive and offensive or else you risk my wrathful right hand

Question 4
You have dared to borrow one of the sacred CD's from the famed Cathedral of
Metal. Do you
a) Listen to it once, learn your lesson well, and get it back to him
sharpish, oh and clean it first for fucks sake (he keeps a list you know)
b) Realise hes a lazy git about getting your stuff back and keep the CD till
he starts to panic and risk wrathful and offensive email
c) Make a fatal mistake and allow him to lend the CD to someone else without
writing down that he has done so so you get the blame

Question 5
You talk to a woman he knew first - burn in hell!

Question 6
You've seen a flaw in the mighty ones character which he has
previously criticised you for. Do you
a) Point it out to everyone behind his back
b) Set up a satirical website
c) Write a satirical questionaire, that the mighty one may find witty but
not really that amusing, after all nothings good enough for the mighty one
d) Assume you were in fact projecting your own flaws onto his perfect
reflection

Question 7
Neal has lost his top over you saying 'Umm..' in an email and accuses you of
poor communication skills:
Do you:
a) Point out to the mumbling, rambling fuck that he is not in a position to
talk (and can't anyway)
b) Take him up on his words and 'never email [him] again'
c) Ignore the mighty one and forward his sublime emails to all his 'mates'
d) All three previous
e) Apologise profusely at the foot of the God Palmer and admit that your
intellect is far to low to understand his teachings

If you answered any besides e), go find yourself a new deity

So there you have it. Practically nothing you do will be worthy of Him. You
might as well move to Mars to avoid his wrath. Oh, and don't get connected
to the internet, 'cos he'll only send you caustic mails, even from bloody
Australia...

>From: "Chris Thomas"
>Reply-To:
>To: "Palmer, Neal" ,"'hoozfish $work$'"
>,"'Jessie $ntl$ *'"
>,"'jonathon greig $yahoo$'"
>,"'Jules'" ,"'Mr Chang'"
>,"'Neil $chang$'" > >,"'Ollie butt'" ,"'Rhys'"
>,"'Rod $popstar$'"
>,"'Sally'" ,"'Scottish
>Dave $hotmail$'" ,"'Steph $work BT$'"
>,"'Syd $work$'"
>Subject: RE: Notice of Leaving...
>Date: Wed, 2 Oct 2002 11:01:04 +0100
>
>car bomb ready and awaiting old horse.
>Tribute:
>
>Neal is one of the most foul and filthy individuals it has ever been my
>misfortune to meet (and lets not forget I know Jules and Wayne). I remember
>the first time I was introduced to him...God how I rue that day. I have
>never been able to shake the bugger since.
>His long winded and pointless stories will not be missed, and I for one
>will
>take great pleasure in packing his bags and making sure he's on the bloody
>plane out of here.
>How's that? That's what you get for suggesting I pull rabbit impersonations
>on your website, you git ;-)
>
>-----Original Message-----
>From: Palmer, Neal [mailto:NPalmer@uwic.ac.uk]
>Sent: 02 October 2002 10:47
>To: 'angela'; 'Bethan Jones (IT)'; 'Angela C.'; 'caroline (optus)';
>'caroline (yahoo)'; 'Ceri Ann (yahoo)'; 'Chris (ntl)*'; 'Hannah';
>'hoozfish (work)'; Williams, Jason J.; 'Jen'; 'Jessie (ntl) *';
>'jonathon greig (yahoo)'; 'Jules'; 'Leighton (aol)*'; 'Louise Llewellyn
>(work)'; John, Mark A.; 'Mr Chang'; 'Mr Jones (aol) *'; 'Neil (chang)';
>'Ollie butt'; 'Rhys'; 'Rod (popstar)'; 'Sally'; 'Sasquatch Bob';
>'Scottish Dave (hotmail)'; 'slackers at work!'; 'Steph (work BT)'; 'Syd
>(work)'; 'Tor (hotmail)'
>Subject: FW: Notice of Leaving...
>
>
>For yer information...
>
>get your tributes, love letters, blank cheques and car bombs ready ;)
>
>
>
> > -----Original Message-----
> > From: Palmer, Neal
> > Sent: 02 October 2002 10:06
> > To: Bossman
> > Subject: Notice of Leaving...
> >
>Yo Bossman
>
> > I'd like to let you know, as there is no easy way, that it looks like I
> > will be leaving UWIC towards the end of November this year. I've been
> > granted a working visa for Australia so plan to go there and
>work/holiday
> > for a while. I'm 30 next March and after that it's harder to get a
>working
> > visa, I have some friends out there doing the same and this is my last
> > opportunity.
> >
> > This isn't a notice of resignation, just an advance notice. I will look
>to
> > officially hand my notice in around the 3rd week of October. Hopefully
>the
> > extra time will help work anything that needs to be worked out.
> >
> > I dont know if the possibility of a sabbatical is available, what the
> > details of such an arrangement are or if anyone (yourself, UWIC or me!)
> > would want to enter into such an arrangement, but I have thought about
>it
> > and wonder how you would view that kind of thing?
> >
> > Thanks
> >
> > Neal.

2002-10-08T20:50:00.000Z

Now it seems I'm also pregnant:

Congratulations / Bloody Hell!! You Are Pregnant!

Are You Pregnant? Click Here to Find Out!

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

2002-10-08T07:37:00.000Z

URGENT - DUDLEY EARTHQUAKE APPEAL

At 00:54 on Monday 23 September an earthquake measuring 4.8 on the Richter Scale hit Dudley, UK causing untold disruption and distress -

a. Many were woken well before their giro arrived;

b. Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and the Spanish Costa's were damaged;

c. Three areas of historic and scientifically significant litter were disturbed;

d. Thousands are confused and bewildered, trying to come to terms with the shock realisation that something interesting has actually happened in Dudley:

One resident, Donna-Marie Dutton, a 17 year old mother-of-three said,"It was such a shock, little Chantal-Leanne came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning."

Apparently though, looting did carry on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken masses.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings including benefit books and jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos.

HOW YOU CAN HELP

e. £2 buys chips, scraps and blue pop for a family of four;

f. £10 can take a family to Stourport for the day, where children can play on an unspoiled canal bank among the national collection of stinging nettles;

g. 22p buys a biro for filling in a spurious compensation claim.

PLEASE ACT NOW

Simply email us by return with your credit card details and we'll do
the rest! If you prefer to donate cash, there are collection points available at your local branches of Argos, Iceland and Clinton Cards.

THANK YOU

2002-10-07T22:02:00.000Z

Todays Quote - 'You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.' - Emo Philips.

KIDS INSTRUCTIONS ON LIFE - Wear a hat when feeding seagulls. --Rocky, Age 9

Ooh, I ache. Stance training at Fu tonight. We're supposed to hold various stances for 3 minutes apiece. After about 30 seconds my legs are screaming at me. It's agony! Personally I'm at the fittest I've been in over two years, but martial arts wise I'm still as weak as a kitten.

Haven't been in over a week due to the anniversary last week etc etc. Anyway, grades are coming up in November, and I've got to work my stamina up to a decent level, particularly around my legs. Mind you, I'm going paintballing for a whole day with some of the guys from training - that'll strengthen my legs! Or knacker them - one of the two.

Talking of kung fu and stuff, I got that surprise sorted out for my mate Alan, only he surprised me back! I got a t-shirt made up of one of the nicer designs from the Tale of Shaolin Monkey and sent one to him. Not only did he like it, but he wore it to his girlfriends big art exhibition, as the picture below shows! So my not so famous artwork got shown next to hers in some funky show! Cool!

Things are going well with Nic. She continues to swell. Sometimes she gets a bit self concious about it, but she'd better get used to it - Spud's only going to get bigger! Actually, I glanced over at her on the weekend and got a bit of a shock as it finally registered - she IS looking really pregnant! Loads of mates and work colleagues have been coming up to me asking if she is pregnant, and I've been kind like 'yeah, how did you know?', only to be told she looked it. It was only the other day it really registered, and it was a bit of a shock! Bloody hell, I'm going to be a Dad!

Maybe.

All going well.

The scan looms ever nearer, and it's like this big thing where afterwards it'll be like 'what was all the fuss about?', but right now is this oppressive thing within which things could all go horribly wrong. Nicola was talking about this all pervading sense of worry we seem to have developed to her mum. Nic's mum's reply was 'Wait 'til it's born, then you'll know worry!'

Great.

2002-10-03T22:40:00.000Z

Monkey Fact - The saying "it's so cold out there it could freeze the balls off a brass monkey" came from when they had old cannons like ones used in the Civil War. The cannonballs were stacked in a pyramid formation, called a brass monkey. When it got extremely cold outside they would crack and break off... Thus the saying. -- courtesy of Punychicken

KIDS INSTRUCTIONS ON LIFE
Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching. --Andrew, Age 9

Good evening! Sorry the postings are becoming less and less frequent. What news do I have for you? No training this week. It's been NIc and I's anniversary week, so we've been doing stuff together for a change. We went out for a meal at a Thai restaraunt, which was cracking.

The day of the Big Scan looms ever closer. We've been going over the literature the hospital gave us about the anomalies, and there's a lot that could be going wrong. They're looking for spinal problems, weird sized and shaped femurs, bubbles in the skull casing and all sorts. It's made me really worried again. The last thing either of us want now is to find there is a high risk of Downs and suchlike.

Nic has really gotten used to the idea of being pregnant, and has felt Spud kicking. She's very happy at the mo, and I'm praying she stays that way. The big day is on the 16th, the day before my op to get my lumps removed. Traumatic week!

Punychicken has passed me some lovely links of cats and monkeys. Enjoy!

2002-09-30T09:12:00.000Z

Today's Top Joke - Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

KIDS INSTRUCTIONS ON LIFE
When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents. --Matthew, Age 12

Howdy folks! Sorry the posts are becoming less and less frequent, but life is becoming more and more mundane. There seems little point in posting things like 'washed the dishes again - new liquid today, smells of lavender' or 'managed to hoover that pesky dustball behind the sofa'. Ho hum.

I've been practicing the nunchuks again. My fingers and thumbs are badly bruised, and the back of my head is starting to feel like it belongs to someone else, but I'm starting to loosen up and pick up some more speed. Nice! Staying relaxed is hard, but essential. It's hard to hang loose when you're in constant danger of severe pain, but conversely the more relaxed you are the easier the moves flow and the less pain there is... Hmmm...

Nic is fine, except for the odd spewing session. It's hard to tell whether it's her new medication or the late onset of morning sickness. Her doc recommended dropping down to half doses of the ADs and see how she gets on. Not as well as was hoped is the answer!

Mind you, loads of odd smells are setting her off. She got a whiff of her favourite aftershave and started puking straight away, and keeps waking up in the night gagging on either a cat poo in the litter tray downstairs or one of my fragrant sunshine and flower scented farts...

2002-09-25T23:08:00.000Z

Today's Top Joke - An Australian bloke was strolling down the road with a sheep under each arm when he sees his mate Digger who says "G'Day Bruce, ya shearing?"
"Nope" says Bruce marching on "Gonna shag 'em both meself".

KIDS INSTRUCTIONS ON LIFE
Never trust a dog to watch your food. --Patrick, Age 10

Howdy folks. First up, if you're Australian my apologies. Or not. Maybe. I dunno. God knows enough jokes have been made about the Scottish and the Welsh for me not to give a shit. Ah well, anyway...

So, 'what's the score in the land of shaolin monkey?' I don't hear you cry with any enthusiasm.

Nic is ill - her medication for SAD is making her puke and spin out quite a lot. I had to take her home from work the other day and get her settled with a bin lined with a carrier bag by the TV. I had to go back into work then, which was shame... If my pregnant partner is going to be ill, I should at least have a week off for compassionate leave, goddamit!

Talking of illnesses, weird mutations, rare diseases and syphillitic sores, I was to have an operation tomorrow to get a few large lumps removed from each arm. However, when Nic asked me to take her home the other day I was lucky enough to intercept a call from the Day Surgery centre. They advised me the surgeon had more pressing matters to attend to, and my surgery was put back about a month. *sigh*

Fair enough I suppose - my lumps are just unsightly and painful, but definitely not life threatening.

On the subject of painful and life threatening, the martial arts side of my life is going very well. In fact I've not long come back from training tonight. Besides the pain from stretching, cardiovascular exercise, having moves practised on me etc etc I've also had the opportunity to try some new moves on the nunchaku. The result is a number of new, but hopefully temporary, lumps on the back of my head. Fingers crossedm I have learned the moves enough to ensure I don't reduce my own head to aspic jelly...

2002-09-22T00:08:00.000Z

Zen for Stupid People - Two monks were arguing about a flag.
One said, "The flag is moving." The other said, "The wind is moving."
A Zen Master happened to be passing by. He admonished them, saying, "Don't you guys have anything better to argue about? Good grief!"

I watched 'The Shining' again tonight. It was on a Stanley Kubrick retrospective on TCM. Man, that is a damn freaky film! I made a joke some time ago about going stir crazy 'cos of the amount of time I was spending in work, and used the 'All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy' reference. Man, that was NOTHING compared to Jack Nicholsons performance in this film!!! He is definitely king freak.

What made it almost unbearable was the musical score. Stringed instruments were used like nails down a blackboard. Even the most innocous of scenes were made horrifyingly tense, simply from the background screech and static hiss.

My mum is down from Edinburgh at the mo. She came to visit, and we went for a coffe and a stroll in the park. Unfortunately Nic was pretty ill this morning - perhaps the first sign of morning sickness? Anyway, she's being feeling pretty grim, so we kept it short. Hopefully she'll be up for joining the family for a meal tomorrow. We'll see.

Anyway, at fourteen weeks Spud looks something like this:

This thing with America riding roughshod over the feelings of most other countries continues on. To some this is the sign of an Empire that feels it can do anything. What do you reckon? Sometimes I find the whole situation too desperate and depressing for words.

I was watching Bush giving the world the 'Axis of Evil' spiel speech the other day, and thought 'Does he think we're that fucking stupid?' Well, he probably does.

As a friend said: 'The following joke is terrible because it could so easily be true - talk about having to stop the tide of terrorism and oppression against other cultures; when WILL someone put a stop to Bush!?

The Iraqi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush. They shake hands and as they walk the Iraqi says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."
President Bush says "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I will do."
The Iraqi whispers "My son watches this show 'StarTrek' and in it there are Russians, and Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek."
President Bush laughs and leans toward the Iraqi, and whispers back, "It's because it takes place in the future"

2002-09-19T07:55:00.000Z

2002-09-18T21:15:00.000Z

Todays Monkey Quote - "You know the monkey is the only cookie animal that gets clothes. . . .I wonder if the hippo is like, 'Hey, were are my clothes?' and the monkey is like, 'I mock you with my monkey pants!' . . .All monkeys are French, you didn't know that?"--Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Training was quite good today. A nice workout, forms works, stance work (man, my legs ache!) and some more hints and tips on the nunchaku. Lovely! I feel a bit better about training 'cos I couldn't make it on Monday.

Nic is fine, but as the nights are drawing in her Seasonal Affective Disorder is making an appearance. WE were hoping she'd make it through one year without it, but no. She's off to the docs tomorrow to make sure her present anti-depressants are ok to take while pregnant.

We've had to clear out all our folders at work after someone in our department was sacked for internet and email misuse. On clearing out mine I found one of those emails that get sent around occasionally, where you get a list of questions to answer. I present mine here, for the record:

Okay, here's what you're supposed to do...and DON'T BE LAME and spoil the fun. Do it. Copy (not forward) this entire -mail and paste it onto a new e-mail that you will send. Change all of the answers so that they apply to you. Then, send this to a whole bunch of people you know I N C L U D I N G the person who sent it to you. The theory is that you will learn a lot of little known facts about those who know you. Remember to send it back to the person who sent it to you. (This is actually pretty fun, so just do it...it can't hurt to learn more about the people we call our friends).

1. LIVING ARRANGEMENT? - Sharing a house with partner and three cats.

2. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? No Logo - Naomi Klein, Underworld - Don Delillo, The Wisdom of the Tibetan Lamas - Timothy Freke, Judgement on Gotham - Bisley and Wagner. I like to have several books on the go at once.

3. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Darth Maul

4. YOUR FAVOURITE BOARD GAME? - Risk

5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE MAGAZINE? I rarely read magazines, but if I had to pick any it would have to be The Fortean Times or New Scientist.

6a FAVOURITE SMELLS? warm cat fur, vinegar, fish

6b NON FAVOURITE SMELLS? shite, my armpits

7. FAVOURITE SOUND? That of a statisfied woman.

8. WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD? Guilt.

9. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? Just another five minutes...

10. FAVOURITE COLOUR? Blue.

11. HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE? Never. I screen all calls.

12. NAME OF FUTURE CHILD? Probably Claude, the choice of my partner after her favourite cat.

13. MOST IMPORTANT THING IN LIFE? A roof over my head, food in my belly and the love of a good woman.

14. FAVOURITE FOODS? Anything savoury except mashed potatos or mousakka. Other than that, I will eat anything put in front of me with equal relish.

15. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? A bit of both, but not too much of either.

16. DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST? I don't drive. I like to cycle fast - does that count?

17. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? Only well fed cats.

18. STORMS - COOL OR SCARY? Cool! I get a mad rush, a real tingle in a storm!

19a. WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? I never bought a car, but my first Star Wars figure was Greedo, if that's any kind of consolation?

19b. ULTIMATE CAR? Economic, non polluting, energy efficient, easy to repair, extremely compact - oh, hang on, I've got one of those. It's called a bicycle.

20. IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON DEAD OR ALIVE WHO WOULD IT BE? God. To demand an apology.

21. FAVOURITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK? Whisky.

22. WHAT IS YOUR ZODIAC SIGN? Sagittarius (Western), The Rat (Chinese)

23. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI? Too right.

24. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED WHAT WOULD IT BE? An animator.

25. EVER BEEN IN LOVE? - Yes.

26. IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL? Who cares? Just drink from it!

27. FAVOURITE MOVIE? The Empire Strikes Back.

28. DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS? What a bizarre question...

29. WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED? I dread to think.

30. FAVOURITE NUMBER? Infinity

31. FAVOURITE SPORT TO WATCH? The International Staring Contests.

32. YOUR FAVOURITE AGE SO FAR IN LIFE? Four, being read 'The Jungle Book' by my Mum. Never been happier.

33. SAY ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU. A damn good mate.

34. NAME A PERSON WHO YOU SENT THIS TO WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? I'd be surprised if anyone answered this, as these lists are so old hat most people are pissed off by them.

35. PERSON YOU SENT THIS TO WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? See above.

2002-09-17T21:41:00.000Z

Todays Monkey Quote - "That's it! I'm tired of always being the one eating insects and getting the funny syphillis! From now on, I'm not going to be anyone's butt-monkey!"
"Check. No more butt-monkey."
-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer

The Quotes of Swiss Tony - BEING IN THERAPY
And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You ... get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.

Things have been playing heavily on Nic's mind today. Not least of her worries is the test results she gets tomorrow. She shoud fnd out if she has toxoplasmosis. She is at risk, having three cats and being a keen gardener. Apparently this disease can cause nasty deformities in the child including deafness and deformity. God knows if it take after it's father it'll be like that anyway...

Remember the UK TV show Record Breakers? Check it out! It's a 1.3meg download, but it's a blast! A really uplifting nostalgia trip from Roy and Norris! This version has a funky Sinatraesque middle too...

I did another quiz. This one seems quite accurate...

Your Inner Blonde is Heather Graham

Reported to be dumb as rollerskates and very willing to show your boobs!
While you've gotten some killer parts Rollergirl,
every guy in Hollywood runs away from your head of mush.
Who's *Your* Inner Dumb Blonde? Click Here to Find Out!

2002-09-15T15:45:00.000Z

Todays Monkey Quote - "Like a monkey shot into space! Space monkeys!"-- Fight Club

Todays Top Joke - Our local chemist was robbed last week and a quantity of viagra was stolen. Police say that they are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

The Quotes of Swiss Tony - ANSWERING THE PHONE
Answering the phone, is... a little like making love to a beautiful woman. In that you've gotta... lift the receiver, put it to your ear, speak ...loudly and clearly ... oh, yes - and don't forget to state your name.

I bought a lovely bonsai tree today. We went down to our local Sunday Market looking for a cheap dressing gown for when I go into hospital. We couldn't find one, but we did find a lovely little stall full of bonsai's. It took Nic and I a good hour to have a look, go for a bite to eat and then come back and decide which we liked the best. The one nic was going to get was sold by the time we came back, but my fave was still there.

It looks a little like this, but flatter:

I've always wanted a bonsai ever since I saw Mr. Miyagi pruning one in the Karate Kid movie. I do so like the way things are miniaturised, and to have a minauture tree, and be a part of it's development, always held some romantic notion.

To offset mine I also got a little clay sculpture of two elderly asian dudes sitting playing a board game. It sits nicely under a branch of the tree. Nic thought it looked really naff, and etracted from the beauty of the tree itself, but I liked the way it gave a sense of scale, perspective and how much the plant looked like it could be a towering tree, if only it were about fifty feet higher!

No other news really. Off to do a spot of nunchaku training at an instructors house later. Should be fun! Nic is doing very well and really getting into the idea of being pregnant and having a kid. She is so much more comfortable now than she was a month or two ago. She certainly isn't having anymore crying jags, and the temper tantrums have died down to a level I'd expect from her normally anyway...

Oh, and thinking of children, this site is just perfect...

I've been doing those online quizzes again. Here are the results:

i am

what sexual performer are you?

i am

what poo are you?

you are a book called

what dr. seuss book warped you?

2002-09-14T22:49:00.000Z

I wonder if Nic would be like this with ours...?

The Adventures of Evil Overmom | The Brunching Shuttlecocks

2002-09-14T22:38:00.000Z

Hmm, must remember to include these in my primate quiz.

2002-09-13T23:04:00.000Z

I know this is crass, but I couldn't resist:

What's *Your* Sex Sign?

As my Nic will no doubt tell you anyway - that's bollocks!

2002-09-12T22:19:00.000Z

Todays Monkey Quote - 'Alright! Let battle commence! Wine and... bananas! Bring on the dancing girls!' (Monkey series 2, ep 12)

Todays Top Joke - Two men were walking their dogs in a cemetery. As they passed one said to the other 'Morning'. 'Nah,' said the other, 'Just walking the dog.'

The Quotes of Swiss Tony - WASHING A CAR
Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.

Things are still grim, but some people are keeping a rational head and talking sense.

Nic and I have been dead tired today, and neither in the best of moods. Nic's tiredness is to do with her pregnancy, of course - she's gettng a distinct bump now, and her tummy feels quite taut. My tiredness was due to training, pub and late to bed last night so I have only myself to blame.

On a lighter note, I was passed this article:

Greece bans games
If you like playing games, Greece is a bad place to be right now. The government there has banned all electronic games. The draconian new law is a very clumsy attempt to stop illegal gambling – completely failing to make any distinction between gambling and any other game. Playing games in Internet cafes (e.g. Counterstrike) and using Gameboys in public are now arrestable offences. Gamers risk up to 12 months in prison and a fine of 150,000 euros (£95,000). Although the law bans all gaming – even in private - police will only pursue people playing in public spaces. Who ever thought playing Pacman could be so risky?

If things are getting you down, I recommend five minutes with the Punk Kittens.

On another positive note, my Queens of the Stone Age album turned up today - it's a cracker!

2002-09-11T22:44:00.000Z

Todays Monkey Quote - "Redefining the role of the United States from enablers to keep the peace to enablers to keep the peace from peacekeepers is going to be an assignment." President George 'Dubya' Bush —Interview with the New York Times, Jan. 14, 2001

Todays Top Joke - Romeo Beckham got his first chance to play for Man U at Old Trafford, o he asked his dad what number he should wear. David thought for a minute and said 'Wear 4 out there Romeo.'

The Art of Error
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

Bloody hell, what a depressing day. There are thousands of families out there who are commiserating the loss of their loved ones. From someone about to start a family I can see their point of view entirely.

However, why they should have the monopoly on grief is anyone's guess. Thousands upon thousands of innocent civilians die every year as a result of 'legitimate' military action around the world. Where is their tombstone? Where is their minutes silence? Where is their 'War on Terror'?

It stinks, man. The whole thing fucking stinks.

So Blair, our illustrious leader, says we're going to support America's upcoming attack on Iraq. No way - not without UN consent. Also, not for the reasons the US and lapdog Blair have given - weapons of mass destruction my arse! What nation HASN'T got weapons of mass destruction? Where are the US and it's lapdogs going to attack after that - Pakistan and India???

Invading Iraq would be a gross violation of the notion of the sovereign state, and also of the dictates laid down by United Nations legislation.

Man, I want to puke.

On a positive note, Kung Fu today was excellent. Mike trusted me to show a new student some basic tenents of Tong Bei Quan, which was nice. The pints in the pub after were cool too - we all relaxed and chewed the gristle. Talk of flexibility, chi, morals and the Code abounded. It was nice.

Also, Bishy and I had a great chinwag about stuff. Bishy's father died recently, and he opened up for the first time. I heard some amazing tales of a guy that survived two pitfalls (he was a miner), the strikes he went on in the Thatcher era, and the changes to his life when coalmining ended in South Wales. It was absolutely riveting. For me it was really nice that Bishy felt comfortable enough around me to discuss this stuff too.

I was at the doctors this morn, getting a blood test and a urine sample. Something to do with a low phosphate problem, which they picked up after a blood test when I was having chest pains. *sigh* Asthma, hayever, ecsema, short-sighted, hard of hearing, dercums disease and Scottish. Hasn't enough bad luck been thrown my way? Now I've got to see if something else is wrong with me too...

Ah well, at least I am compost mentors enough to right a blig. Unless it's third moon madness doing my head in...

Nic is fine, by the way.

2002-09-07T22:37:00.000Z

Todays Monkey Quote - "We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare.
"Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true." -- Professor Robert Silensky of California University

Todays Top Joke -
(Nigel plays piano)
Marty: It's pretty.
Nigel: Yeah, I like it, just been fooling about with it for a few months now, very delicate...
Marty: It's a, it's a bit of a departure from the kind of thing you normally play.
Nigel: Yeah, it's part of a...trilogy really, a musical trilogy I'm doing... in... D minor, which I always find is really the saddest of all keys really. I don't know why, but it makes people weep instantly, you play a..baaaaa...baaaaaa it's a horn part.
Marty: It's very pretty.
Nigel: ...baaaa, baaaaa, yeah, just simple lines intertwining, you know very much like, I'm really influenced by Mozart and Bach, it's sort of in between those, really, it's like a Mach piece really, it's...
Marty: What do you call this?
Nigel: Well, this piece is called "Lick My Love Pump".

From 'This Is Spinal Tap'

The Quotes of Swiss Tony - PUTTING UP A TENT
Putting up a tent, is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'... slip in to the old bag.

Bit of a mixed bag today. First of all, before I start my pathetic whinging, please go here and sign a petition being circulated by Amnesty to try and stop a poor woman being stoned to death for having extra-marital sex.

Also, is it me, or does this whole Bush/Blair/Iraq thing sound suicidal?

This week I have mostly been listening to The Hives and Royksopp.

Anyway, coming back to my more mundane and, in comparison, pathetic troubles, tonight I was let down by a mate. He was supposed to be in Cardiff to meet up - he wasn't. He didn't let me know the score until after repeated attempts to try and contact him, and then it was to say he'd be a little late. After that, nothing.

It is nothing to get het up about really, but I just seem to have had a string of unreliable mates who can never be somewhere when they say they are going to be, and they apply one set of standards to you, but apply a completely different set to themselves.

I dunno - is it me? Is it too much to ask someone to let me know if they can't make it? Am I expecting too much? I suppose I am really - they're only human, after all. Ah well... I just wish I didn't feel such burning resentment and paranoia. I don't want to be bitter.

One thing I have felt quite intensely today is, of all things, love. I don't know why today has been so different to any other day, but I have just felt such intense emotion towards Nic. I love her anyway, but today for some reason I just wanted to gaze upon her and weep from the lightness of it.

What's brought this on? I don't know! She just seems so sweet! Maybe the pregnancy is making her seem more vulnerable, which is bringing more compassion out of me. Her tummy seems to have swollen quite suddenly, and when pressed you can feel a hardness attributable only to pregnancy. Or extreme constipation, but it's certainly not that...

We've been playing Gauntlet on the Gamecube all day, and have taken some lessons in teamwork from it. We've both had to bite our tongues, as opposed to shouting 'No, THIS way' and 'What are you doing, you daft bugger - you're not letting me move off this trap!' etc etc. Funny how a thing designed to part you from your hard earned cash in the name of entertainment can result in a strengthened relationship!!!

Actually, another thing I've been doing is organising what I hope is a pleasant surprise for a mate of mine. Not a huge surprise, nor particularly costly, but hopefully enough for the mate to realise I appreciate him around. He's never let me down, that's for sure...

On a purely self-promoting note, I've got a mention on someone else's blog, which is nice.

On a commercial site promoting note (something I'm usually loath to do), I just want to congratulate CD WOW for sorting out a 'lost in the post' situation of a CD I ordered - namely, Queens of the Stone Age - Songs for the Deaf. Their service is first class - they're sending me another copy, absolutely free of charge!

I had to write them an email of congratulation for their excellent service. This is the first time they've cocked up, and I've been ordering stuff from them for over a year. The error may not be theirs, but they are acting as if it is! As Quality Exec for a big online car insurance company, I can probably learn something from this...

2002-09-04T21:14:00.000Z

Todays Cat Quote - "Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit."

Todays Top Joke - 'I personally do not believe in burning the flag. It's a personal belief, but I'll tell you something, I think people are overreacting, oh, just a little bit. "Hey buddy, my daddy died for that flag." Well, I bought mine. Sorry. You know they sell them at K-Mart for three bucks, you're in, you're out, brand new flag, no violence was necessary. "Hey buddy, my daddy died in the Korean war for that flag." What a coincidence - my flag was made in Korea!' - Bill Hicks

The Art of Error -
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

Having done several of other peoples quizzes I thought I'd start building my own...

What Primate Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

On the home front, I got work today that I finally go under the knife on September 26th. It's been a wait of several months, because the big lumps under my skin are seen as non-life threatening, non malignant and not as important. Sorry, I'd better explain myself - I suffer from something called Dercums Disease, a rare condition occuring mostly in women, but also men.

In summary, large bodies of fat gather in hard lumps under the skin, sometimes all over the body.

Not only have I got a rare disease, but I've got it bad! I have about 15-20 of these lumps on each arm, some of them as large as a plum. I also have several on my legs, my backside on on my back. I'm getting about 4 of them removed on the 26th, but then will have to go back on an eighteen month waiting list to get any more removed. In that time another 10 will probably have popped up, and the existing ones grown.

I'm fighting a losing battle.

2002-09-02T17:39:00.000Z

Todays Monkey Quote -
Tripitaka: 'You should live without fear. There's as much chance of good things as bad things.'
Sandy: 'It's a cheerful philosophy and I've heard it from people before. They're all dead now though.' (Monkey series 1, ep 4)

Todays Top Joke - Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

The Quotes of Swiss Tony - HANGING WALLPAPER
Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.

Blimey, this is kind of working, and I'm posting in work. It's taking it's time though - probably has to wind it's way through an excruciating number of firewalls...

Anyway, not much to report really. Took it easy over the weekend. Quick trip to the gym – nowt too heavy though.

Nic and I went for a cycle in the sun yesterday, which was nice. I’m trying to encourage Nic into taking exercise, as it’s good for her and Spud. However, I can’t stop it coming across as ‘nagging’. At least, that’s what Nic thinks it is anyway.

She’s a couch potato at the best of times anyway. Getting her out of the house has always been an uphill struggle. She used to move fast if she thought an all-nighter at a dance club was on the cards, but sadly this is no longer an option.

Actually, I’m in the doghouse at the mo. We stopped for a pub lunch while out cycling yesterday, and I had the traditional roast. It included loads of boiled cabbage too, which I think is dead nice. However, apparently last night I was farting absolutely non-stop in bed. She reckons she only got a few hours sleep as a result, as the stench was so bad.

It could be that her sense of smell has just gone through the roof lately (pregnancy side-effect according to all the best literature on the subject) and my normally bad, but not devastatingly so, farts are affecting her all the more. As a result she wouldn’t come near me in the morning to give me her usual ‘off to work’ kiss. I’ve also agreed to sleep in the spare room tonight so as not to suffocate her again.

Mind you, I’d pretty much decided to anyway, as all night I was woken by her tossing and turning, jabbing, kicking and punching me. The last thing I want is to be beaten black and blue two nights in row…

It hurts to laugh, which meant this site was quite a painful experience when I came across it earlier. Part of my job is to field the odd begging letter from charities. Mind you, I rarely get letters from actually charities - more like people looking for a fast buck out of big companies. As for this one, can you believe they're part of 'The National Grid for Learning'??? Bloody hell - if kids are using sites like this to learn to read and write it's no wonder illiteracy is on the increase. I'd like to include one of the housewife's poems (I kid you not!) here:

I try to write my poems,
when ever I get the urge.
Some are very funny,
some that makes you sad.
Some with true meanings,
of something or someone you had.
Some about nature,
or the colours of the sun.
Poems shine so bright,
I like them everyone.
“So when your feeling poorly”,
“sit and have a read”.
“Poems I have written”,
“especially for you and me”.

Besides their rather bizarre use of rhyme and metre, their grammer and punctuation is all over the place. Let's not even mention iambic pentameter!!! Not that there's any in that poem mind you - I just hate iambic pentameter.

Anyway, I'm not passing that email to our Charities Department until I see some improvement in their use of the English Language.

I’m off to training shortly. Should be good. I got a parcel today from Playwell, an online Martial Arts store, with some new kit I’d ordered for the boys. It looks mighty fine, and I can’t wait to test it!

Some of you were a little stunned to hear my Mum had knitted me a monkey. Here's a pic:

2002-08-30T21:26:00.000Z

Todays Cat Quote - "I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic." - someone very like Nic

Todays Top Joke - What have the Queen Mother and Princess Diana got in common? They both died at nearly 102. Oh, sorry, is it too early? Well fuck off and come back later then.

The Art of Error
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Alright? Three times I've typed this bloody post - it'd better post properly this time. The first time I typed it at work and the firewall decided it didn't like it, so all my hard work disappeared.

The second time I typed the bloody thing in an email, including the HTML, and copied and pasted it into the blog. The firewall stopped it again, but no problem, I sent the email home so I could post it later on.

I got home only to find an email from work:
Please note, W**********.com attempted to send you an e-mail that has been held by the mail server due to its contents.
Category "PROFANITY".
The sender was not notified.

So this is the third time. Surely nothing can go wrong now??? Talk about the Art of Error.

Anyway, found some mad stuff on other blogs. Check out bombcats!

Also, apparently I'm:

What Egyptian Deity are you? go to:the quiz!

Another shining example of bollocks on the internet. Ah well, it helps pass the time, eh?

I had tried to post loads of stuff previously, but failed so miserably it must have been fate reading my blog and saying 'Fuck this, it's so dull - no buggers going to want to read it.'

Here's a potted version:
Sorry for not posting for a while - busy. Mum knitted me a monkey. Kung Fu is good but hard and I hurt from nunchaku mishaps. Nic is fine, smells making her want to vom though. Both feeling pretty cool at the speed the house it getting sorted. Nursery done, door done, window being done next week, combi boiler being done the week after. Must make time to work on sketches for 'Tale of Shaolin Monkey'.

There. Sorted.

2002-08-28T00:36:00.000Z

Todays Cat Quote - "Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." -Joseph Wood Krutch

Todays Top Joke - "Mummy, why's Daddy walking in circles?"
"Shut up and nail his other foot to the floor"

The Quotes of Swiss Tony - LAYING A CARPET
Laying a carpet is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.

Alright pals! It's been a while, hasn't it? There hasn't really been much happening since Saturday. I've had a couple of days off work with Nic, but we've done very little. Went to see 'Lost in La Mancha' tonight, all about Terry Gilliam's failed attempt to make a version of Cervantes' 'Don Quixote'. It was quite harrowing...

There wasn't any training on Monday, but I made it to the gym today to make up for it. More Fu tonight. Dunno what I'm going to do later today - hopefully go for a spin with Nic on the bikes.

By the way, it seems I'm like Charlie Brown from Peanuts:

Which Peanuts Character Are You Quiz

However, when it comes to how Jedi I am...

:: how jedi are you? ::

Hmm, something tells me these internet quizzes aren't really accurate...

Out of interest, you may remember the big fuss about putting Jedi down as your religion during your national census. Well, the Australians did...

Anyway, as I don't have much interesting to say I'll leave it at that. Night folks!

2002-08-24T22:51:00.000Z

You know you're in a Cartoon when...
1. You get hit by a falling piano.
2. There's only one mail-order company.
3. Cow's are related to chickens.
4. When your beak gets blown off your face you can just pick it up, stick it back on again.
5. Frying pans are very malleable, especially to the shape of your head.
6. Bullets bend around pipes and/or rabbit holes.
7. Explosives only singe your hair.
8. Gravity is slower to take effect.
9. Anvils fall from the sky.
10. You can survive a nasty fall off the grand canyon.
11. Adults only have legs, and you never see their torso.
12. Bombs are always clearly labelled 'bomb'.
13. You eat sandwiches by swallowing them whole.
14. The local community contains an extraordinary high percentage of megalomaniacs trying to take over the world.
15. Your lifelong enemy is a mouse.
16. Your body can concertina back into shape after being run over.
17. You keep a dinosaur as a pet and nobody minds.
18. There are violins and glockenspiels wherever you go.
19. The animals talk, but the humans don't.
20. A rabbit or a duck the size of fully grown man is considered normal.
21. You don't need breathing apparatus to breathe in outer space.
22. Your pet cat is far smarter than you.
23. People with no fingers can pick things up?
24. You have a wardrobe packed full of the same outfit, and are not considered deranged.
25. Traps only work when YOU try them.

Good evening chums! Sorry to not have posted in a while, but I've been kinda busy, like. Had a bit of a scare on Friday - had stabbing pains in my left chest, with dizzy spells too. I've been having achy pains in my chest for some time now, but usually attributed them to aches and pains from training, like a fool. This time they were quite sharp and nasty. I mentioned them to Nic, who frwaked and got me to go down to the doctors pretty much straight away.

The doc ruled out angina and probably heart problems too, as I would have felt both when training or working out. However, he is getting some blood tests done, including cholesterol, just in case. Also, he ruled out muscular or other strains and sprains by doing a quite comprehensive series of tests on them. Anyway, I've to keep a diary of when I get the pains in my chest and what I'm doing at the time, to see if we can find any link or explanation.

Besides that, this weekend my niece Chloe has been down with her mum Kirsty, Nic's sister. We've had great fun running around like mad things, playing frisbee, rowing and doing martial arts on each other. She studies Tae Kwon Do, and for a six year old she packs a pretty mean kick! I got out the blast pads and Chloe and I spent a good hour practicing our moves.

Also she demonstrated she's quite nimble on the Gamecube! I picked up a pretty cheap copy of Super Smash Bros. Melee, which is a crazy game. Chloe beat me on that too!

A quick trip to Sainsburys secured some nice pizza and a couple of lagers. While we there we also had a laugh in the photobooth. Kirsty needed to get some done for her Tae Kwon Do licence (yep, it's a mother and daughter kick ass combo going down!), so Nic and I joined in on the fun. Here are the results. I gotta say, she's looking pretty damn hot!

2002-08-21T22:05:00.000Z

Todays Cat Quote - "Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well." --Missy Dizick

Todays Top Joke - One lunchtime David Beckham walks into a library and walks up to the librarian sat at the desk.
"Can I have a cheese burger and a large fries, please?" He asks the librarian.
The librarian replies, "I'm sorry Mr Beckham, this is a Library."
David Beckham then leans closer and whispers, "Sorry, can I have a cheese burger and large fries, please?"

The Art of Error
You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Hi there folks! Lots of luvverly stuff to warble on about today, so I'd better get cracking.

Nic and I went to the hospital today for her actual proper 12 week scan and a chinwag with her doctor. She had loads of blood tests, and was poked and prodded a bit. The midwife was really nice though - the friendliest of the bunch.

The doctor who did the 12 week scan was very laid back, and a terrible photographer! He did a great scan, and we had a close look at Spud. We got a great close up, and he held the scanning thingy still. However, things were still moving on the screen. It was Spud! He/she was squirming like a mad thing! You could see the little arms and legs going like stink. I asked the doc if they're normally so mobile, and apparently they are. Blimey! It's a real living thing, right enough. I'm not going to get all Pro-Lifer on you, but I did feel that bit more protective towards it.

However, the doctor chose this shot to print out and keep. Talk about no artistic integrity! It bears little or no resemblance to what we saw!

At the end of the day it doesn't really matter, 'cos the long and the short of it was the kid is in great shape so far. Nothing else matters.

Nic queried the use of anti-depressants with the doc. She'll be giving birth in March, at the tail end of her SAD period, so is likely to be on her usual anti-depressant. The doctor said that while it causes no abnormalities in the developing foetus it can mean the baby is a bit limp and laid back when it's born. Apparently the drug is passed to it via the placenta.

This means Nic may have to reduce the dose really early - before birth, which is when she's going to be at her most down. Also, her file has been flagged as someone likely to suffer post-natal depression. Bugger.

On a more positive note, I thought this was funny.

I made it to training again. Crumbs! Twice in a row! There's a bank holiday next Monday, so nowt then. However, I saw Tony playing with his nunchaku (oo-er missus!) and asked Mike if I could learn them. I've had a pair kicking around the house for a couple of years now, and never got the opportunity to learn.

Mike ok'd it, on the condition that if he or Tony feel I'm not doing the 'homework' the extra training will stop straight away. So now I've got to figure out how to manage my time to the nth degree...

By the way, if you ever wondered how China became a nuclear power, you may find this interesting.

2002-08-19T22:44:00.000Z

Todays Cat Quote - "I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior."--Hippolyte Taine

Todays Top Joke - Why did the French gallery owner duck into an alley? Toulouse Lautrec

The Quotes of Swiss Tony - MAKING COFFEE
Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir... gently and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.

Good evening. I'm pretty knackered this evening, so I'll make it short and sweet I think. I'm up at the crack of dawn also.

I made it to training again, and it was another forms blast. However, as it was a Monday night, the 'closed door' sessions, so to speak, we were taught some slight amendments to the common or garden form. Nasty!!! Besides being particularly grim moves, they also helped the form flow more. Also, as the tuition was almost one-on-one a few things missing from my usual stab at the form were spotted and corrected. Hurrah!

I strained a muscle in my back while at the gym the other day, but the forms practice must have loosened it up somehow, 'cos now it doesn't twinge at all. Bizarre! Ah well, Chinese Martial Arts are supposed to good for you in a whole body, all round kind of way.

Work continues to be depressingly busy. I had to stay on and work a few hours extra tonight, but made it to training, and I'm being paid the overtime, so what the hell.

Also it made my manager feel more inclined to give me time off on Wednesday for Nic's next scan. I'm keeping the old fingers crossed that everything is fine, and nothing has gone wrong.

Anyway, I'd better be off - there's forums to be checking out before I crash...

2002-08-18T08:49:00.000Z

Todays Cat Quote - "Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." --Joseph Wood Krutch

Todays Top Joke - A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

The Wisdom of Supermodels - ON MOTIVATION:
"It was kind of boring for me to have to eat. I would know that I had to and I would."
-Kate Moss

That was the last of 'The Wisdom of Supermodels', so next time I post it'll be a quote from the maestro of cars sales, Swiss Tony. Some of you may remember him from the Fast Show.

Not much has happened over the last few days. I'm still a bit achy from the training sesh on Wednesday, but I should be able to get down the gym today. There was a works do on Friday, at some dodgy Cons Club for old geezers. It was the 2nd birthday of my company, and they thought they'd lay on a party for the guys. I hung around almost until the end. I don't know why - it was appalling. Maybe I just wanted to make the most of being able to get drunk and do something vageuly resembling partying.

Anyway, that's it from me. Things here are ok. Nic is fine. Life goes on.

2002-08-14T22:21:00.000Z

Todays Cat Quote - "Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later."--Mary Bly

Todays Top Joke - A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

The Art of Error
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

Man, I've got to type fast 'cos I need a minimum of seven hours sleep tonight. My body needs it, goddamit!

I made it to training. Yeah, so fucking what, the peole reading this who don't train may say. These are the people who don't have to fight the daily battle after a hard days work:
Shall go? I should really.
They won't miss me if I skip one lesson.
But that lesson could be crucial.
Could it? What have we learnt lately? Anything new?
Well, we could learn something new tonight.
It'll be very hard work though.
So what? It'll be a great workout, and it'll do you good!
But it'll be so painful.
No pain, no gain!
I'm sure I could be doing something else...
Like what? Sitting in front of the box all night???
etc etc etc

In fairness, I have been working all the hours I can lately to get the overtime up, get the job done and so on, and haven't been able to make training. However, the instructors, Tony, Paul and the main man Mike, haven't been very pleased with attendance of late. It's been a case of 'If you don't turn up for X amount of lessons, you're out!'

This made me feel very paranoid, 'cos I haven't been for quite a few lessons - a fortnights worth in fact. I really was concerned that all the hard work I'd put in when I was able to make it would go down the drain. That scared me, to say the least.

Mind you, tonight sesh was REALLY fucking hard. It was a two hour forms blast - that is, going over and over a set of moves about 50 long. Kind of like a dance, but with more deadly intent. Mike has come back from China, where he was taught in a place called Juntun Village (about one day's train journey from Beijing) by THE master there. He was trained from seven in the morning until two at night - I kid you not! He had planned to stay out there for another fortnight, but the strict 19 hour training regime and 39 degree heat made him exhausted and ill. Luckily he was able to make his excuses and leave.

At the end of the day, if Mike can do that, and Tony and Paul can instruct around their work and family commitments, why can't the rest of us turn up to train?

Today at 5.45pm, 15 mins before training started I was still stuck in work. I saw a mountain ahead of me - another two hours work easily, if not more. I threw my hands up in the air and said 'Fuck it.'

I made it to training.

They worked us so hard I wanted to get up and leave in the middle of it.

I made it to the end.

I feel good. I felt part of something. I felt like I wasn't wasting my life watching the latest shit on Eastenders.

However, now I feel like shit. My body feels so fucked!!! I know it's for the best, but sometimes I wonder...

Regarding pregnancy et al, Nic is doing fine. She's still getting pretty tired, but now she's at a level where she's as tired as she was before she got pregnant. She'd always been tired, really - never much energy for anything. Being a manic depressive can do that to you though. Mind you, if she heard me saying this about her she'd kill me!

There's another pregnant lass in work, called Suzi. She's only about six weeks away from giving birth. Her nipper was kicking away today, more exciteable than usual, and she invited her workmates to check it out. All the women were lining up to have a feel, so to speak, and I was very curious myself. Even when Elsp (my stepmum) was pregnant with Jane (my stepsis) I don't remember feeling Jane kick, so I was eager to experience it. Forewarned is forearmed, and all that...

Ewwww! Weird! It was this weird kick felt through warm skin, like a seriously bad muscle spasm but focussed in a particular place. Talk about bizarre! I tell you what, that kid has got the potential to pull off a decent roundhouse!

Suzi said it was bad now that the head was pointing downwards and her bladder was being pressed, but before she'd get a sharp stab to the bladder when the kid kicked it! I asked if a sharp kick in the general direction of the intestines meant more farting, but apparently not...

2002-08-12T22:44:00.000Z

Todays Cat Quote - "One cat just leads to another." --Ernest Hemingway

Todays Top Joke - Dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Zen for Idiots - If you meet the Bhudda in the road...well, step aside! Make way! This is THE Buhdda we're talking about!

Howdy folks! Hope you're all dong well.

A friend of ours, Lett, had a scare the other day. You may remember her - the pregnant lass, about a month or maybe two ahead of Nic. On Friday she started bleeding, after a few days of belly cramps. Obviously this scared her quite a bit - the last thing she wanted was to lose the kid, or be in any potential danger herself. After a trip to the docs and the midwife's she was told not to worry - take it easy, de-stress. Apparently these cramps and bleeding aren't uncommon - it's when they both come at the same time that the guys in the know get concerned. Anyway, so far so good - she's in the clear.

It shows how tenous life can be. There's something in her, and Nic, with the potential to be great. Atwhat, who knows. In fact, it has the potential to be quite evil too. If Spud is anything like Nic then we can probably expect another Damien. Mind you, if it's anything like me, it'll probably be an arrogant bore, like my father, and his father before him. Anyway, it is so easily ended, this brief spark of life. We feel like we're holding our breath now, but what will we be like when (if) Spud is born? Is every day going to be a case of crossing our fingers and hoping it won't fall foul of some disease, road traffic accident or child molester?

I had a nightmare the other day, that almost made me weep when I woke up from it. It was a simple dream - I had been stressing Nic out too much (no specifics, as with a lot of dreams) and as a result she miscarried. It felt almost as real, and as bad, as the dream I had where both my sisters were wiped out in a car accident. Now that one, I woke up from crying my eyes out.

The thing is, it's just a bundle of cells at the mo! How can I be attaching such sentiment to something that wouldn't last a minute outside the womb? This is what it looks like about now:

Pretty funky, eh? Bizarre...

Aside from all that, I managed to finish work with enough time to belt over to training at 8pm. Thank goodness for that! In that session it was revealed that regular no-showers (which I was rapidly becoming) would soon be cut out of the one class (Monday's, where the more interesting stuff is taught) and have to work hard at Wednesday's class indefinitely. Allowances were made for those who had to work late etc, but it's a case of making sure the instructors know that's why people can't make it.

I've got to say, by the time I finished work at 7.45pm I really did not feel like going. However, I could not face another day sitting on my arse doing fuck all. After training I felt so glad I was able to make it! I hooked up with a guy in the class who doesn't mind being thrown about a bit, and takes the pain as part and parcel of the enjoyment, the whole experience. We left each other pretty bruised and battered after practicing the techniques, but we both enjoyed it a hell of a lot! And the S&M Club wonder why I never came back... Seriously though, the endorphin rush after a damn good training sesh is hard to beat without indulging in class A's.

Talking of class A's, Nic and I are planning a night out at the end of this month - Frankie Knuckles is DJing in Cardiff, and Nic is not prepared to let being teetotal spoil her enjoyment. So we're going clubbing! Hurrah! Perhaps this'll be the opportunity I get to really let me hair down, albeit briefly. At least until my 30th anyway...

2002-08-10T07:33:00.000Z

Todays Cat Quote - "In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats."--English proverb

Todays Top Joke - Luke Skywaker is doing a bit of Jedi training when suddenly a vision of Darh Vader appears who says 'Luke, Luke. I know what you are going to get for Christmas. Luke replies 'I don't believe you Vader. Your mind games will not work on me. Only Yoda knows what I am going to get for Christmas'. Darth replies 'How foolish you are young Skywalker. I'll tell you again, I know what you are going to get for Christmas'.
'So how do you know, Vader?'
'I felt your presents'.

The Wisdom of Supermodels - ON ECONOMICS:
"I don't even wake up for less than $10,000 a day."
-Linda Evangelista

Morning folks! Hope you're all well. I'm slightly hang over, having been out celebrating a mate birthday last night. It was a good laugh!

I've had a break from posting the last couple of days, 'cos not a lot has happened. The only thing of note is the guys at work now know I'm going to be a Dad, all going well. I kind of let slip by accident. I had the pics of Nic's scan saved on a folder in Outlook, and waslooking through the folder with preview pane open. One of my colleagues passing by did a double take, saying 'Whose scan is that???' It was obvious 'cos it had Nic's name all over it! So I had to own up.

Within 24 hours the news was all round the office, and people were coming up to me and congratulating me, which was nice, but embarassing. I had to tell Nic, who works upstairs, that news might filter through to her floor 'cos she'd only told a select few bods too. She wasn't best pleased, as didn't really want anyone knowing until she was well out of the danger area, the first trimester.

Fingers crossed, things are going to be ok. I do feel like I'm holding my breath though.

2002-08-07T22:28:00.000Z

Todays Cat Quote - "Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." --Jeff Valdez

Todays Top Joke - Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No drama's boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happenin?!? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Ian that he thinks Dave's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup,"Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go.

At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else."The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said "Who the f*ck's that on the balcony with Dave?"

The Art of Error -
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

AAAAAAARGHHMOTHRFCKNBASTRDBOLLCKSCNTWNKSHIT That was my day - how was yours?

I spent 3 hours on the phone to some fckr who uses fckn enormous words and sentences where one would do, and then spent 2 hours typing the complaint up. Guess what? I didn't leave work 'til 9pm. You know what that means - no kung fu for this happy (ha) chappie.

I did go down the pub, knowing the guys would be there having an after sesh pint, and was lucky that one of the instructors was still there. I was able to express my apologies for not turning up in the last fortnight and vented a little about the fckn fckwit I had to deal with (and will be dealing with tomorrow) before hitting the bar for a few cool ones. A few of the guys hung around for a couple more, so I was bale to catch up on events.

Before I start my usual ramblings, a couple of things:
1) I did have a fckr of a complaint call to sort out, but got home and found an email forwarded from a pal containing the funniest mp3 I have ever heard. It's a stinker of a complaint involving a massive turd! If you know me you'll probably have it already, but if you don't email me and I'll happily pass it on. It's a fuckn scream!!!
2) I'm not going to go on about Nic and her pregnancy today 'cos there ain't much to report (except we're getting another scan done later this month) and Iwanna talk bllcks for a bit.
3) I don't normally endorse any labels or merchandise of any kind, nor do I really want to want to promote such a shallow lifestyle, but I do like this stuff, and am sad to say the consumer in me has led to a few purchases over the last year or so...
4) If I'm boring you, please make a note at the bottom of the post. Tony C seems to want to start a trend, and who am I to stop him? By the way Tony, seeing as you're a regular vistor to the blog, why not post on my Guestmap?

Anyway, so I didn't make it to training but I did make it to the after sesh wrist work-out, which is what I needed most I think. Most of the boys cleared off (they'd been there an hour or so already) but I was left with two stalwarts and good buddies. One of them was Bishy, a guy who has loosened my front teeth on more than one occasion, but is a great pal regardless of (because of??) it.

Man, we talked about loads of stuff, ranging from war to religious cults to god only knows what.

Ah, religious cults - the reason we go onto that subject was 'cos one of our mates, Kev, has joined one!!! We don't know the specifics, but we we do know he has daily prayer meetings and there is a monthly subscription... Something to do with Christianity I believe.

It's really fckn bizarre - why would anyone want to join a religios cult? Loads of ideas were bandied about the table - accpetance, needing something to follow, too weak willed to accept the concept of a pointless existence blah blah blah. No conclusions were reached, but we did have a laugh, and I felt better for it. If you've got any ideas, stick 'em in the comments thing at the bottom of the postand we'll discuss 'em next time round.

Actually, fck posting my meanderins. I've just had a bong, and all I want to do is look at funky websites... I'm off. Tara now!

2002-08-05T21:18:00.000Z

Todays Cat Quote - "Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." --Anonymous

Todays Top Joke - A bloke with no arms and legs is at a bus-stop. The bus pulls up and the driver says "Alright, John, how are ya getting on?"

Zen for Idiots - What is the sound of two hands clapping?

AARGH! Man, am I pissed off! For yet another Monday I haven't been able to get to training 'cos it's been so bloody heavy at work!!! I didn't leave til 9.30pm tonight - man, that sucks! My instructors must be starting to think I've gone AWOL again. I've GOT to go on Wednesday or I'll be tearing my bloody hair out! This new position may have given me a rise and the opportunity to do overtime, but it's eating severely into my own personal free time.

Do you remember the film 'The Shining' ? I'm starting to fell like Jack's character - All work and no play makes Jack a dull boyAll work and no play makes Jack a dull boyAll work and no play makes Jack a dull boyAll work and no play makes Jack a dull boy All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy All work and no play makes Jack a dull boyAll work and no play makes Jack a dull boyAll work and no play makes Jack a dull boyAll work and no play makes Jack a dull boyAll work and no play makes Jack a dull boyAll work and no play makes Jack a dull boyAll work and no play makes Jack a dull boyAll work and no play makes Jack a dull boyAll work and no play makes Jack a dull boy

... know what I mean?

I think it's time I either got out and got shitfaced or did something interesting and useful with my life. It's definitely getting to the point where I have to think damn hard before I come on here and post my meanderings.

Mind you, at the end of the day, at least I'm not trying to survive on a handful of inedible nuts a day, or preparing to blow myself up in an attempt to win some peace for my friends and family...

On a lighter note though, it is possible for a baby's head to swallow cars whole and to reminisce about the good times...

2002-08-04T16:34:00.000Z

Todays Cat Quote - "There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast."--Unknown

Todays Top Joke - Q: How many Freudian psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Two, one to change it, one to hold the penis... sorry! I mean ladder.

The Wisdom of Supermodels - ON TRAGEDY:
"The worst was when my skirt fell down to my ankles but I had on thick tights underneath."
-Naomi Campbell

Afternoon campers. My, what a tempestuous 24 hours it's been. Nic and I where at my sisters last night, along with my other sister Jane, her boyfriend Dwayne, and my Dad and his partner Regina. Dad and Regina had driven us down 'cos Ponty is miles away, and neither Nic nor I drive.

It started off well - Jane, Dwayne and I discussed horror films ("When the dead walk, it is time to stop the killing - or lose the war.") whilst everyone else helped sort the food or watched the horrendous thunder and lightning storm pass over. Drinks were drunk, birthday presents handed to Dad and laughs were had by all.

Somewhere along the line Phil, Sarah's husband, started going on about the kids, nd some of the 'scumbags' found in Ponty, and how the valleys seem full of stupid people. Dad, being the staunch grumpy socialist he is, didn't take well to his drunken comments and a row about the working classes erupted. Great fun. Nic and I stayed out of it and Regina kept quiet too. I think the point Phil was trying to make was that Ponty does seem to attract an underclass, rather than a working class.

I agree that the working classes (of which I consider myself a part) are the backbone of society, but also sometimes have to agree that an underclass of unintelligent, ignorant, lazy and completely apathetic people is developing in the UK. However, Phil isn't as quick of tongue as Sarah and Dad, so struggled to make this understood. Also, Phil was quick to pour scorn onto these people, rather than discussing reasons for this class growing, or offering suggestions as to how it could be curbed (ie education, emphasis placed on community, better public facilities etc), which got some peoples backs up.

Dad took it as an assault on the values of him, his father and several other members of the family. It resulted in a shouting match between the two, and as both were drunk, mix-ups and confusion reigned supreme. Nic, Regina and I just sat and watched, hoping the storm would pass quickly.

Unfortunately, Sarah and Phil tried to involve Regina in the discussion, even though she made it clear she didn't want to discuss it. The next thing I knew (I tuned out for a bit) Regina was expecting an apology from Sarah and Sarah's retort was 'Expect all you want.' Regina decided enough was enough and stormed out. Of course, Dad had to go with her, and as they were our only means of transport home we had to go to. The 'party' ended very quickly.

To be honest, it had gone on too long anyway. Poor Nic was absolutely exhausted - it was the latest she had been up since becoming pregnant, and had she not been polite she would have demanded being taen home earlier. As it was, for most of the arguments she was curled up on the sofa with me looking very drowsy and yawning a lot.

Today we have been trying to recover and chill out a bit. We were going to go to a works barbecue, but the weather has been pretty poor, I was hung over and Nic was tired, so we didn't bother. I wasn't that ken on going anyway - I've just been told it's good for your career to attend these work functions,and I want to get on. However, I resent having to waste most of my life doing something I've got no interest in, and I don't really want the free time I do have to be wasted in the same way.

Also, like a fool I forgot it was my Mum's birthday yesterday!!! For some bizarre reason I got it into my head it was Monday, not yesterday! As a result I only sent Mum's card and prezzie of £20 yesterday, and she may not get it until Tuesday. D'oh! I called her and apologised, and she seemed ok about it, but I must have seemed so ignorant and rude particularly after she was good enough to send me so much money towards getting the house sorted ready for Spud. I felt so bad!

On the plus side, it looks like the money she sent will soon be going towards a new combi boiler. We had a friend of a friend come in and have a look at the work that needed to be done, and were quoted approx. £1300 - this is about what we were expecting, and while we don't have the money we do have some savings (thanks to Mum) and a credit card. It's bad that we're forced to go further into debt, but we need the central heating working before winter!

Anyway, that aside, hopefully tonight will give us a chance to get out and enjoy ourselves, as it's the last night of the festival in town. If Nic isn't too tired, and the weather holds out, we'll be heading in for a few hours of free entertainment.

2002-08-03T16:03:00.000Z

*NEW*Todays Cat Quote - Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will pee on your computer." --Bruce Graham

Todays Top Joke - I dreamt I wrote Lord of the rings last night. Turned out I was just Tolkein in my sleep.

The Art of Error
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

Good afternoon folks. You might have noticed the lack of monkey quote. That's 'cos I've run out! Sorry about that! If you know of any, or have any you use frequently yourself, please email them to me at shaolin_monkey_uk@hotmail.com - Cheers!

Sorry I didn't post yesterday - I was knackered! The 12 hour wallpapering stint on Thursday just completely wiped me out. As soon as I got home from work I wiped out. I was woken at 8.30pm by Nic, who wanted to go to a big festival nearby, but by the time I got up and got ready she couldn't be arsed. I went back to bed at 10.30pm and slept right through to 10.30am this morn! Needless to say I feel much better for it.

I've done loads today, and have spent a small fortune too! I got some photos in the post from my Mum yesterday, as she hasn't got her own scanner and wanted stuff put in an online photo album, so I took care of that.

I hit the gym for an hour or so, and had a good full body workout, stretch and aerobics sesh. I'm feeling a little tired from that, but otherwise very good. Hopefully it'll mean I won't get too hammered when I go to training on Monday evening.

I got my Mum's birthday card sorted out - quite a nice black and white one of the Beatles. She likes them. It had that Lennon quote on the back, about being bigger than Jesus, that caused that storm of controversy about 30-40 years ago. I sent that to her with £20 towards a handbag she's been wanting for a while.

Dad's birthday is only 3 days after, so I got him a black and white card of Mohammed Ali in the practice ring with the Beatles. The quote on the back is Ali saying 'That earns you HOW much? You ain't as stupid as you look!' Also, Dad gets the piss ripped out of him 'cos he's got a big red box on wheels as a car. It looks worse than a Volvo. As an anti-car person, even I can appreciate how uneasily it settles on the eye. For a joke I got him a radio controlled sports car as a pretend replacement, for his birthday.

My bike has taken a bit of a hammering lately, so I took it to the bike shop and had it's brake blocks and rear tyre replaced. Didn't cost much, but was an added expenditure, y'know?

Went to a haidressers, a proper gents barber for a change, and got the works - wash, cut, blow dry and beard trim. It was about £5 more than I usually pay at my normal hairdresser, but what the hell, I got treated like a king, the woman did a superb job and I came out feeling like a million quid.

I finally treated myself to a greasy spoon breakfast while I waited for my bike to come out of the repair shop, and read a computer mag I bought with a shitload of brilliant utilities on the coverdic.

As one last thing, I bought one of those 3D cards and posted it to NIc. I was a right grump yesterday, being so tired, and had snapped at her a bit. I'm hoping a card of a fluffy kitten about to pounce on a goldfish in a wine glass will help make things up to her...

It all sounds terribly dull, eh? I suppose I should be discussing my innermost feelings about this and that, but today I just can't be arsed. Sorry if that makes me seem like such a boring person (thanks Tony C) but hey, that's the way it goes. If nothing inspires me, nothing inspires me. *sigh*

2002-08-01T22:02:00.000Z

Todays Monkey Quote - A professional in an ape mask is still a professional. (Marge Simpson)

Todays Top Joke - I'm addicted to Placebos - I would give them up, but it wouldn't make any difference...

Zen for Idiots - If a tree falls in forest, and someone is around to hear it, does it make a noise?

Blimmin' ada, I am absolutely knackered! I ache from head to foot! It's like I've gone five rounds with Bishy, a guy I train with. What an eventful 36 hours! I think it's been about that since I last posted...?

Anyway, yesterday was spent prepping the spare room with my Dad and sister, Sarah. We painted the skirts, practically plastered the walls with polyfilla, sanded loads of things down and bought wallpaper etc. During all this, Nic's Wardrobe (inherited from her late grandfather) got damaged and Sarah and I wanted to just pull the rest apart and nip down to MFI to get a new one. Dad suggested it would probably be best if I ask Nic first - just as well I did! She reminded me it was an heirloom, with much sentimental value. So it got a stay of execution, and was put out the way in the top landing.

Anyway, by the time I'd called Nic to confirm one way or the other, we'd been down to MFI to see about a replacement, and maybe get a cheap chest of drawers too. I ended up spending £120 quid on a wardrobe, chest of drawers, bedside table and a small desk. It's all a lovely kind of forest green with neutral light brown wood. I told Nic when I called, and I thought I was going to be in for it, not consulting her first when buying stuff for the baby's room, but she was quite cool. She had a look on the website, and deemed it 'Ok'. Phew!

Today we really worked dan hard - eleven hours wallpapering! Sarah cleared off at 5.30pm as she'd had enough, but me and Dad stuck it out to the bitter end. We finally put the last sheet up at 9pm. We were shattered! Dad said it's a family trait that we're like terriers when we get our teeth into something - we just won't let go until it's finished off! Anyway, the room looks fabulous now! It was really crappy looking previously - the walls were badly painted, the plasterwork was chipped and cracker, the skirts and ceiling looked yellow and old etc etc. I wish we'd taken pic of before and after, 'cos now it looks beautiful!

It's the first time Dad and I have spent any great length of time together since I was seventeen. It was a bit bizarre, but we did have a chat about this and that. He asked 'Are you surprised or fazed about imminent fatherhood?' I said 'Kind of, but it was something Nic and I had been contemplating for some time.' I reminded him of the time when I was about 16 when he told me if I ended up married with kids before thirty he'd be pretty pissed off. I think he wanted me to make the most of my youth. I said 'Well, here I am - just about to turn thirty and with a kid on the way and getting the house sorted to settle down in.

Dad couldn't remember saying any of that, but asked 'Well, have you made the most of your youth?' I said yes, I have. I think that's the truth. I've travelled the world, seen many strange things, sampled many of lifes pleasures, excitements, dangers and vices. In fact, a good number of years could be described as the 'Sex, Drugs and Rock n Roll' years for me. For a while there I lived like a rock star, but minus the massive income and, er, musical ability.

Like the drummer of Spinal Tap once said, 'As long as there is, you know, sex and drugs, I can do without the rock'n'roll.'

However, it's almost a relief to finally be settling down, y'know? There's only so much a bod can take before you start thinking 'Slow down a bit!'.

Anyway, it turns out Dad has also been watching a great American show called 'Six feet Under'. It's about a dysfunctional family who run a funeral home - it's really funny, but very dark. Dad and I discussed some of the themes, like never really knowing someone until it's too late, or thinking you know someone but finding out after their death that they were actually quite different.

I've come across this a few times recently, what with my grandparents and great uncles and aunties dying at an alarming rate. My Great Uncle George died recently. All I really knew of him was he was a keen (too bloody keen - never missed an opportunity to take a pic) photographer and a member of the God Squad. He had a nice dog at one time too. At the funeral I met some of his congregation (he was a vicar or something - high up in ranks of the Free Church of Scotland anyway), who revealed some fascinating facts. He'd been a fitness instructor, and had, amazingly, been a Missionary in darkest Peru!!! He actually set up a big church in the middle of a bloody jungle, 100 miles by boat to the nearest TV, radio or hot and cold running water!!! Good grief!!!

My Great Aunt Lucy died some years ago, and I realised when she was very ill that she'd seen almost a century of history. We went to see her, and I said 'Well, you've seen two World Wars, three Monarchs and countless Prime Ministers go by! What can you tell me? What have you learnt?' She just kind of looked into the middle distance and said 'Yes, I have had quite a life...' Unfortunately we then had to go, as visiting hours were over.

That was the last time I saw her. She died a few months later at the grand age of ninety six. I often wonder, when I asked her those questions, what did she see...?

Birth and death, eh? We're constantly in the middle of it. Yet it's only at certain times in your life you really seem to notice it. Go figure.

2002-07-31T09:39:00.000Z

Todays Monkey Quote - I hope your babies look like monkeys! (Michele, Romy and Michele's High School Reunion)

Todays Top Joke - How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom? 3, but you have to slice them REALLY thin...

The Wisdom of Supermodels - ON BREAKTHROUGHS:
"Once I got past my anger toward my mother, I began to excel in volleyball and modeling."
-Gabrielle Reece

Ok, I know I've used the Romy and Michelle quote before, but in light of what I've just experienced I thought it would be quite appropriate. I'm running out of monkey quotes anyway - I may have to change it to cat quotes at some point...

Anyway, that's all by the by! I've had a minor revelation today. Nic and I went to the Early Pregnancy Unit in the Hospital this morn, for an early scan. Nic had been experiencing some stabbing groin pains, and the midwife thought it best to get it looked at. Anyway, Nic had an ultrasound scan, and all is very very well! In fact, we were able to see Spud, and watch his little heart beat! It was so sweet I could have cried! That's our wee baby! I was amazed.

The nurse kindly printed off a couple of pictures, one of which I include here:

There's a close up here.

For more, just visit my photo gallery - there's a link on the right.

There's a stupid advert out at the moment for mobile phones. It's got this baby's face appearing on all different forms of media - posters, TV, advert hoardings etc. the point of the ad is, if something special happens you want to show the world. Up to now I thought 'What a load of sentimental pap to sell phones', but after seeing the little baby in Nic's belly today I feel the same! Bizarre!

However, there's a kind of down side to it as well, 'cos now I'm really starting to appreciate the chances of things going wrong. Nic is by no means out of the woods when it comes to the risk of miscarriages, the child being Downs, or other complications arising. It's actually quite scary - I'm really worried about the welfare of both of them now, whereas before I was more concerned for Nic.

Man, if I was religious I would have started praying by now.

I'm just going to have to do everything in my power to make Nic and Spud stay as safe and well as possible, and just let the uncontrollable factors play themselves out as they will. It makes me feel a bit helpless, I can tell you.

However, at the moment both mother and fetus are doing really well, and that is excellent!

Anyway, I'm posting all this early 'cos I wanted to get my thoughts and feelings down asap, and my Dad and sis are coming over to help me decorate the spare room shortly. If I'm not too knackered I'll be going to training tonight too, so I won't get a chance to post later.

Wish us luck on all counts!

By the way, does anyone know what a Mow Mow actually is???

2002-07-30T17:02:00.000Z

Todays Monkey Quote - I'll do a crooked little dance with my funny little monkey (Marilyn Manson)

Todays Top Joke - Time flies like an arrow; Fruit flies like a banana.

The Art of Error -
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao-until
You bring fresh toner.

Afternoon folks! My what a busy day it has been so far! First off, let me point you to my newly added photo album and guestmap on the right there. Please feel free to pinpoint your location on the map, and browse through many pics of me and my chumsw looking foolish. Also, on the left you'll spot a new hit counter. Pretty funky, huh?

Anyway, what else... I haven't got long as Nic'll be home from work shortly, demanding her food. Must type quickly!

The midwife was round for the first time this morn. She was a nice young (early thirties) lass, who was very friendly and helpful. She took Nic and I through some forms - contact details, free prescritions and dental care for Nic, family genetic history on both sides, and so on. Nic had many questions to ask.

Can she use power tools in the first trimester?
Probably best not to.
What kind of weights are acceptable to lift?
Don't put any strain on yourself - use common sense. If it can be lifted easily, then go ahead - it should be ok.
Will antidepressants for S.A.D. have any effect on the development of the child?
It's best to check with your G.P., but most of them are ok to use when pregnant.

There were others, but I can't remember what they were. I'll post them as and when I remember them...

Anyway, Nic beetled off to work after that, and left me to do the decorating. Today I painted the spare room ceiling, did a bit more prepping on the walls and filled some holes around the window prior to painting the sill. Not a bad days work! On top of that I managed to get all the dishes done, put some washing in, put the bins out and change the cats litter tray. A few Brownie Points due to me I believe.

Anyway, must dash - she's due home any minute now, and I must get food on. Might post later if I get the chance!

2002-07-29T22:22:00.000Z

Todays Monkey Quote - I am just a monkey man, I'm glad you're a monkey woman too! ("Monkey Man," The Rolling Stones)

Todays Top Joke - Three legged dog goes into a Saloon in the Old West, slides up to the bar and says, "Has anyone seen the man that shot my paw?"

Zen for Idiots - One day Tokusan told his student Ganto, "I have two monks who have been here for many years. Go and examine them." Ganto picked up an ax and went to the hut where the two monks were meditating. He raised the ax, saying, "If you say a word I will cut off your heads; and if you do not say a word, I will also cut off your heads." Both monks continued their meditation as if he had not spoken. Ganto dropped the ax and said, "You are true Zen students." He returned to Tokusan and related the incident. Tokusan immediately had him arrested as a homicidal maniac.

Evenin' all! Not much to report today. It's been hot. Damn hot! Real hot! That's great if you're with a lady, but ain't no good in the jungle. Worked hard, missed training (again) and regretted it. I was supposed to come home and get cracking on the decorating, but Nic, whose hormones have been racing in an altogether different manner lately, had different designs on my bod.

Also got through this weeks 2000AD and Judge Dredd Megazine which was pretty smart. New Strontium Dog story is quite good fun, and Dredd is as mean as ever. They're also reprinting the first episodes of Bad Company, a kind of future war story. It's quite horrific. I remember writing an essay on it for English GCSE and getting an A. I tied it in with Sassoon and Owen's poems about World War I and stuff. Ah, happy days...

Not much to report on the pregnancy side of things. Nic's moods have definitely improved, and while she's still very tired she's defintely a lot better than recently. She thought she may have overdone it yesterday. She was helping with sanding stuff in the spare room, and also, like a fool, tried to cart a heavy load of washing upstairs. She should have asked me to sort it out for her! Damn fool. Anyway, she had today off to take it easy and let her body catch up a bit.

The midwife is coming tomorrow morning. I've got the next three days off work, so I'll be there to ask plenty of questions. Nic has used the journal I bought her to note down questions she wants to ask. She hasn't written a jot of her day to day thoughts and feelings! Mind you she hasn't had the energy to until lately...

2002-07-28T21:43:00.000Z

Todays Monkey Quote - You handle those cubes like a monkey handles coconuts. (Plenty O'Toole, Diamonds are Forever)

Todays Top Joke - Two parrots were sat on a perch. One says to the other 'Can you smell fish?'

The Wisdom of Supermodels - ON TRAVEL:
"I haven't seen the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, the Louvre. I haven't seen anything. I don't really care."
-Tyra Banks

Aah, I feel the urge to let out a fairly self-satisfied and semi-contented sigh after today. I've been having a serious go at some DIY. The results ain't half bad, either!

The walls have been sanded, as have the skirting boards. I've also taken polyfilla to quite a lot of the edges and corners, 'cos the plasterwork in that room was abysmal. Mind you, I'm so green at this stuff I probably wouldn't know good plastering if it collapsed on top of me. So - the next step is to paint the ceiling, which I'm going to tackle tomorrow evening after work. After that I'll have a go at putting some gloss on the skirting boards. On Weds and Thurs Sarah and Dad are coming over to show me how to paper. Should be fun!

Besides that, it's been a nice day here. I saw a bit of the sun, if only when cycling to the DIY store to get some more sandpaper, and also when I had an iced lolly during my teabreak.

Nic has been very jolly, and is in a better state of mind over being pregnant. She has even started discussing how and where she'd like Spud to be born. The hot favourite is the hospital, where there are plenty drugs available. She even started going on about oiling her perineum, or getting me to do it for her. Considering my face has been no more than an inch from that area in the past it shouldn't be a hardship...

2002-07-27T16:29:00.000Z

Todays Monkey Quote - I don't know if it's such a good idea. Can we get by on a pin monkey's salary? (Marge Simpson)

Todays Top Joke - A piece of black tarmac goes into a bar and orders a pint.
"Where are you from?" asks the barman
"I'm from the M6" it replies "Hard as nails I am. 2000 vehicles use me every hour and I'm as hard as they come."
At that moment a piece of red tarmac walks in and orders a whisky. The black tarmac disappears to the loo and comes out 20 minutes later when the red tarmac has gone.
"I thought you were hard" says the barman.
"I am" it replies.
"So why did you disappear when the red tarmac came in?"
"'Cos he's a cycle path."

The Art of Error -
First snow, then silence.
This thousand-dollar screen dies
So beautifully.

Afternoon folks! Hope you're all well. I suppose you must be, realistically speaking - if you can read this, you are part of the 1% of the world that has a decent standard of living...

I'm slightly woozy today, but quite perky. Was over a mates house last night - a few lagers, smokes etc. Had a good chinwag about bollocks. Turns out he's a bigger Star Wars fan than me! He keeps loads of old toys still in their bubble wrap upstairs in a safe place - I'm lucky to have a couple of old figures cluttering up a drawer somewhere! Mind you, I did find my old Rancor Monster toy when clearing out the spare room last week. It's pretty cool! It has a switch at the back for snapping it's jaws, and is fully poseable. It's on top of a book of shelves looking down at me as I type.

Today Nic and I went to a decorating shop and picked up a few tins of paint for the spare room ceiling, checked out some wallpaper and argued over whether to just paper, or paper and paint. Decisions decisions! Decent paper can be quite pricey, and the state of the walls dictates a heavy covering. Cheap white vinyl is an option, but it means having to apint over it afterwards, which I can't be arsed with.

Anyway, all the effort made Nic quite tired, so she's crashed for a few hours. She's still constantly tired, but her mood has improved significantly. That's such a relief, I can tell you! Once she's had a nap we've got to clean the house, which is in such a state! After that, we're either going to start prepping the spare room, or we're going to rent a video and just be lazy this evening. My money's on the video.

2002-07-26T16:27:00.000Z

Todays Monkey Quote - Everybody's got something to hide except for me and my monkey (unknown)

Todays Top Joke - A woman walks into a pub and say's to the barman "I'd like a double-entendre please". So the barman gave her one!

Zen for Idiots - Two monks were arguing about a flag. One said, "The flag is moving." The other said, "The wind is moving." A Zen Master happened to be passing by. He admonished them, saying, "Don't you guys have anything better to argue about? Good grief!"

Do you remember on the news some time ago a note about the power of email as communication? It was a lighthearted piece about how some gal called Claire Swire had emailed her man about how nice his cum tatsed. He, being a typical bloke, forwarded it to his mates. Of course, they felt duty bound to email it to as many people as people. As a result most of the UK and some of the world got to read it, and a search was started to find this lucky woman... I was one lucky recipient - I was looking through my old email files earlier today and found it. I reprint it here for your delectation:

Who is Claire Swire?
Read from the bottom up!

-----Original Message-----
From: Drummond, Edward
Sent: 07 December 2000 16:28
To: Hames, Joel; Walker, Steven; Murray, Grant; Driver, Robert; Knight, Peter; Ferri, David; Newby, Chris; Moss, Jason
Cc: Banner, Heather; Boxer, Sonya; Williamson, Emma; Falkner, Claire
Subject: FW: "yours was yum"

beggars belief. I feel honour bound to circulate this.

-----Original Message-----
From: Chait, Bradley
Sent: 07 December 2000 16:25
To: Tarbuck, Andrew; Caffarate, Nick; Townsend, Nathan; McDougall,
Jamie; Davies, Stuart; Drummond, Edward
Subject: "yours was yum"

now THAT'S a nice compliment from a lass, isn't it?

-----Original Message-----
From: Claire Swire
Sent: 07 December 2000 16:12
To: Chait, Bradley
Subject: RE:

I hadn't swallowed for years but yours was yum and very good for me too! Apparently it's very good conditioner for your hair too...getting a funny picture in my head, giggling out loud and now having to explain to Dave what's so funny!

Marvellous,eh? This should have taught Nic and I a lesson, and everyone else who got the email. However, Nic landed herself (and me) in hot water at work through her email sending. I emailed her a picture of the Buddy Christ from 'Dogma', to her work email address, which said underneath 'Jesus Loves You! Everyone else thinks you're a c*nt.' I know this is her type of humour. It's also her friends humour. However, somehow she mistyped the email addresses,a nd sent it to one of the most religious personages in my company.

Oooh man, my wrists were stinging for weeks from that one...

Mind you, I seriously cocked up once too - the guys at work were on my case 'cos I wasn't getting into the 'Christmas Spirit'. I got an email snowball thingy in my inbox, so I mailed it to someone. It said something like 'I've hit you with an e-snowball,and run away. You can't hit me back, so hit someone else with it.' The idea was to get involved in the Xmas fun, and be a little more cheery about another excuse for companies to use emotional blackmail to extort money from us. Anyway, I didn't ralise some numbskull would send it outside of the department. Eventually it ended up in the hands of some idiot in a different brand. She decided to email it to 'All'. So a chain email with my name at the bottom went out to 1,500 employees. This included all the managers and Board of Directors.

Shortly after, one of the directors ent an email out asking for no-one to respond to the email. I was in trouble!!!

I'll post my apology email here for posterity - read from the bottom up:

Hi Andrew
Thanks for your understanding. Needless to say, I feel very embarrassed about the whole thing, and will of course think very hard about the use of Outlook in the future!
Thanks

-----Original Message-----
From: PROBERT, Andrew
Sent: Thursday, December 13, 2001 4:33 PM
To: XXXX, Xxxxx
Subject: RE: apology

Thanks for owning up.
I hate them because they waste huge amounts of staff time and they overload the network.
Anyway I’m happy as long as you think first in future.

-----Original Message-----
From: XXXX, Xxxxx
Sent: Thursday, December 13, 2001 4:23 PM
To: PROBERT, Andrew
Subject: apology

Hi Andrew

In case you hadn't noticed, that 'Quick, build a snow fort' email started with me. I know how much you hate these kind of emails, and I just want to say I'm very sorry.
I had originally intended this just for the guys in [brand name] e-services to join in with the Christmas Spirit on the floor. Had I realised it would be sent around the whole company I would under no circumstances have sent it.
Again, please accept my apologies as the originator of the email.

Needless to say, in the spirit of cruelty and scorn that pervades most offices, my colleagues thought this was hysterical... *sigh*

2002-07-25T21:40:00.000Z

Todays Monkey Quote - You're gonna be a pin monkey? Wow! (Bart Simpson)

Todays Top Joke - Why are so many young women turning to Christianity? 'Cos they've heard that Jesus was (extend arms) hung like that!

The Wisdom of Supermodels - ON PRIORITIES:
"I would rather exercise than read a newspaper."
-Kim Alexis

Good evening folks! You know, I try and make what I write as amusing as possible, even if it is stuff pinched from The Masters. However, looking back over what I've written to date a lot of it does look a pile of whiny shite. I've tried to offset that by reminding you, gentle readers, that I (and of course, you) have it easy compared to the rest of the world. Things at work may be stressing us to the gills and causing blinding headaches, but we have to weigh that up against the poor buggers on the other side of the planet who can see they've run out of food. Probably hope too.

So please excuse my self-indulgent ramblings. As long as it's clear I KNOW things are pretty good for me here then I shall proceed. Anyway, normal office work is far worse for some...

There's good news on the home front - we had a chat with an 'impartial' financial advisor at work, about Nic's mortgage. The idea would be to get my name put on it, get shot of the endowment part (change to a fixed rate) and free up some of the equity in the house to do repairs, decorating etc. It went well - it turned out we could get all our loans and credit cards paid off, get a few grand towards doing the house up, include death and illness cover etc, and all for £260 per month for the next 25 years. Smart! However, Dad has offered the help of his financial advisor. I think we're going to check our options with him, and see how we get on. He's supposed to have helped Dad out a great deal.

I'm supposed to be this shaolin monkey, right? And I've got lots of monkey quotes on this weblog, yes? 'Where then' I hear you cry 'Are the great Monkey Links?' Let's face it, monkeys are even uppermost in the minds of Americans.

Yeah, well, sorry about that - been kind of busy, y'know? Monkeys haven't been the uppermost on my mind. So sue me. What is this fascination with stupid animals anyway?

And if that little lot doesn't keep you amused, clear off and don't come back.

2002-07-24T20:33:00.000Z

Todays Monkey Quote - Want to buy a monkey? (David Letterman in Cabin Boy)

Todays Top Joke - Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive"

The Art of Error
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

Evening folks. Man, I am knackered! And a bit pissed off. I had to stay back in work again to get everything up to date. I kind of did though. I want to get as much as possible clear before my Ops Manager clears off for a few days. I was given some interesting stuff to deal with too, like a policyholder who writes articles for a respected website who had cancelled his policy. Anyway, as a result I didn't get to training until an hour and a half too late. I had to show my face though, as our Sifu, Mike, is clearing off to China again on Friday. He's out there for a month, being put through some quite nasty paces. He's having ten days off when he comes back too, which I think he'll need to recover!

At home, Nic is still feeling absolutely knackered. She's been trying to make her Mum feel guilty as well, going on about the costs of decorating and getting the boiler fixed. She hasn't mentioned that my family is helping a lot, 'cos she wants to sir her Mum and Stepdad Tony into action. She a scheming little minx like that.

We've had a chat about the cats too. What if Spud is allergic to the cats? 'Then Spud'll have to go', Nic says. What if the cats attack Spud? 'That'd be a lesson to Spud then won't it? Don't mess with cats.' Man, she's so totally unmaternal at the mo! Mind you, she has had the cats for years and years...

Actually, that's not totally true - she saw a babygrow which she liked. It had a big sign on the back saying 'press here to burp', which we both thought was very cute. Also there are some cracking chinese style silk pyjamas that I saw for £30, designed for a nipper. Well, designed for a three year old anyway... I could always buy them now while I have the money and keep them safe somewhere for three years...

The name thing has come up again. I can see this is going to be a bit of a fight. Nic is determined to call the child Claudia if Spud turns out to be a girl. I don't want to call Spud that at all, 'cos it was the name of an ex-girlfriend's daughter, and it dredges up bad memories for me. On top of which, the only reason Nic likes it is because one of her favourite cats was called Claude!!! I mean, give me a break! My favourite pet was a hamster called Topaz Thomson, but I'm hardly going to call Spud that if it's a boy. Sounds like a character out of a corny porno movie ...

Actually, on second thoughts, Claudia is growing on me...

2002-07-23T20:52:00.000Z

Todays Monkey Quote - "I'm sorry, son. I didn't know you, Jay Leno and a monkey were bathing a clown." (Homer Simpson)

Todays Top Joke - Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom & stayed there.
Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act they immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news & bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses."
"The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Mary replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

The Wisdom of Supermodels - ON FATE:
"I wish my butt did not go sideways but I guess I have to face that."
-Christie Brinkley

Hi all! Man, it's been quite a day today! Work has been bloody awful - I've dealt with so many whinging bastards it's unbelievable! It's bizarre why people get so het up about something as trivial as their insurance. Doesn't anyone see that there is so much more to get out of life than venting your frustrations on some poor joe who's just trying to do his job...?

As we're an internet company I do have access to all the whinger's email addresses... If only there was some way I could use them to get my revenge...

Anyway, enough about work - boring! Mind you, not much else has happened today. What am I on about?!? I got a grand through the post from my Mum! Brilliant! We've got some spenderoonies for the boiler, decorating etc. I've had a chat with my Dad and sister, and we're decorating next week. I've got to try and find some time between now and next Weds to try and get the skirting boards sanded, and the ceiling painted white. So in between training, work and overtime I'm going to be up to my knees in paint and sandpaper. Ah well, such is life.

I hope it doesn't play up my asthma, all this kicking around of dust. Summer is always a bad time for me, making me a bit breathless. Even though I've given up smoking I've still been struggling a bit! Still, nowhere near as bad as that time I sparked up a 'Carpathian' when I was in Romania and almost died from asthma. I went blue and everything. Cool!

Nic says she is feeling a bit breathless this year too, but I think that's just her forgetting to draw a breath in between acute periods of verbosity.

We finally settled on staying here and doing the house up (even if the area is full of troggs) because we don't have the money, time or steel nerves needed to move. Once Spud is sorted (ie born) and we know exactly what we're doing regarding work, pay, mortgage etc etc we'll be in a better position to move.

That's pretty much it for today. I need to get an early night really. Before I go though, I have to ask, is this the most evil kitten in the world...?

2002-07-22T13:41:00.000Z

Todays Monkey Quote - An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels, some climbing up, some fooling around and some simply just idling...
The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces...
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

Todays Top Joke - One day Dracula is walking down the street when suddenly 10 tons of smoked salmon sandwiches, bread rolls, pitted olives, chicken wings, chipolatas, tomato salad, pizza slices and crisps descends on him from a great height and knocks him to the ground. "Oh no!" he gasps with his dying breath... "It's Buffet the Vampire Slayer."

Good afternoon folks! I'm trying to get this typed up during my lunch break at work, as I'm hopefully training tonight so won't have time later.

We got to see Minority Report yesterday. It was good up until just past the halfway mark, but then turned into a by-the-numbers thriller, with a predictable ending. Nicola hated the whole thing. Mind you, she hates the whole cinema experience anyway, and only goes to stop me whinging about not going enough...

After the film we had quite an unpleasant chat on the way home. Nicola said she was very unhappy being in the situation she is in, ie pregnant, and went on to say she felt the time wasn't right, and we weren't prepared to cope with a child. She meant financially, mentally - the whole shebang. She felt, like being dragged to the cinema, that she has no choice in the matter. I pointed out that she does have the choice of an abortion.

So at last one of my greatest fears were aired, and surprisingly by myself.

The long and the short of it was that Nicola doesn't advocate abortion as a form of contraception, and that we should play the cards we're dealt. I was only too happy to agree! I was also only too happy to point out that if push comes to shove we can find the money needed for a brand new boiler, decorating and raising the child when it is born. I know we will manage. I always have managed with things in the past, and this is no different. Also, thousands of people have children every day, and THEY manage - why couldn't we?

Anyway, later on in the day I chatted to my sister Sarah. She has time off work coming up, and offered to help get the spare room done. I was more than happy to accept her offer of help, as soon as we know what we're doing! Sarah said Dad had heard of our financial difficulties and had offered to loan us some money. Also I spoke to Mum, who reminded me that I had £750 coming from the will of a recently passed away relative. She has offered to lend me that amount until I get the inheritance through.

Besides all that, I've got the trusty credit card, if worst comes to the worst.

***NEWSFLASH*** Literally while I've been typing this, my Ops Manager Kath has come to my desk and given me a bit of paper, asking me to sign it. It's only confirmation of a pay rise!!! Not a vast amount, but every little helps! Woohoo!

You see, there's always room for hope and optimism! I just wish Nic could recover from the funk she's in and realise this also.

2002-07-21T15:14:00.000Z

Todays Monkey Quote - Here is a monkey with four asses. (South Park)

Todays Top Joke - George 'Dubya' Bush

Good afternoon folks! It's a lovely sunny day, and I've been stuck in the office for most of it. Oh joy! Still, at least I'm not a Kurd about to be evicted from their land because a despotic leader who can't read, write or (let's face it) lead is about to attack Iraq.

On the plus side, I'm off to the pics with Nic in about half an hour. Some lovely light entertainemnt in the form of a Tom Cruise and Steven Spielberg vehicle, 'Minority Report'. It's not about ethnic minorities or abuse of civil liberties, or anything like that. Instead, it appears to be about police who can see into the future and prevent crimes by stopping them before they happened. A simple premise that has been used countless times in classic Sci-Fi, but it's had good reviews, and my Dad and sis liked it, so I'll check it out. We should have checked it out weeks ago anyway, but now it looks like Nic is rested enough to visit the flics. Hurrah!

On the entertainment and trivia side of things, I was scouting through fellow bloggers, and found this - Christopher Walken's Weblog. Or is it? I dunno! It could be, but judge for yourself. I include an entry for your delectation:

fatboy slim called me a while ago and said 'hey mr. walken' - i love it when people call me mr. walken. it's a sign of respect. so anyhow, he said 'mr. walken, i heard you had an amazing career which spanned not only the big screen, but the theatre as well.' imagine my surprise that anyone was left alive that appreciated my work on stage! he then invited me to be in a video of his showcasing my dance moves. i gave him more than he bargained for! that scene with my jumping over the banister flying?
no strings or anything, i actually flew. back during the days of nam, they trained soldiers how to fly to beat the vietnamese (who knew how to burrow under the ground at rapid paces using only teeth fingers and their duodenum) - they had control of the ground. we had control of the air.

so i was remembering back to this phone call with fatboy, and i was amazed when i actually met him. he was neither fat nor slim. i became suspect to whether or not he was a boy! well, i enjoyed shooting that video, i've gotten calls since then from the likes of eminem, marilyn manson, and, most importantly wayne newton, to do a video with them. will i do any of them? who knows, but like the famous song (about me) goes - these boots were made for walken.

Very funny stuff, but it could just be a wind-up...

2002-07-20T22:59:00.000Z

Todays Monkey Quote - I'll do a crooked little dance with my funny little monkey (Marilyn Manson)

Todays Top Joke - In the days of the frontier in America, a Scottish immigrant married an Indian Sqaw. They had a son who grew up to be one of the finest Indian scouts in the whole of the west. His name, Hawkeye The Noo.

The Wisdom of Supermodels - ON POVERTY:
"Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery."
-Beverly Johnson

Man, I thought yesterday was close - check out the time of this posting!!! I only got here 30 seconds before the end of the day.

Today has been quietish but a bit unsettling. Nic has been getting freaked out by the whole pregnancy thing. Besides wondering how we were going to pay for everything when Spud arrives, now we've got to worry about a new central heating system. The one we have has packed in again. We had it refitted and rewired eighteen months ago, and we wished at the time we had gotten a combi boiler installed instead. It would have worked out not much more expensive, and would have totally replaced the cronky pile of shit we have at the mo.

Now we have to try and find about a grand to get it sorted. It basically means more overtime and a amssive credit card bill. So much for the saving we'd planned!

All this worry has really upset Nicola. She's been crying on and off all day, saying we picked a bad time to have a kid. She seems to want out of the situation, and I'm dreading hearing the words 'I want an abortion'. I'm praying it's not going to come to that. I want this child. I'm scared for me, Nic and the little bundle of cells sitting somewhere in her belly. Actually, it should start resembling something that could be a human. It should look similar to this at the mo:

Anyway, I've been trying to comfort her all day. I've been letting her know that it's not the end of the world, and we have the support of our families. The poor thing has been sobbing in my arms. It could be all part and parcel of the changes her body is going through right now, but I'd rather not take any chances. She's going to be getting a lot of cuddles and reassurances from me.

I don't suppose it helped that we watched quite a sad film this evening - 'The Green Mile'. Normally I'm not a fan of Tom Hanks or mainstream cinema, but I'd heard good things about this, so gave it a whirl. I'd read the book along time ago, so knew what to expect. Like 'The Shawshank Redemption', another of Stephen Kings books, the translation to film was very well done.

Anyway, hopefully all the angst and soul searching of today will have settled down a bit tomorrow, and Nic and I can have good long chat about it all without either of us getting upset or angry.

Finally, click here for some amusing flash madness.

2002-07-19T22:53:00.000Z

Todays Monkey Quote - "Pretty women out walking with gorillas down my street..." (Joe Jackson, Is She Really Going Out With Him?)

Todays Top Joke - I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

The Art of Error
Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

Blimey, I didn't think I was going to make it! It's only a few minutes before midnight! I've posted this already, to mark the date and time, and now I've just come back under 'edit' to make a leisurely update for today.

Not that there's much to report really - it's been pretty dull. I haven't found out that my grandparents are amongst the 212 murder victims of my local GP, that's for sure...

I was going to give a mate from work a call and go over, but he wasn't in. Other than that I could go into how dull work was and all that, but I can't be arsed.

Nic and I had some bad news in that her neice Chloe passed out, hit her head and had to be rushed to hospital. Nic messaged me at work and I tried to call her straight away. When I eventually got through Nic was crying her poor heart out. I really feared the worst! The only message I'd had was that Chloe had gone to hospital, and that was it. When Nicola was beside herself on the phone I really thought the worst had happened, and that she'd died of something. As it turned out, the stress ofhearing her neice was ill and in casualty plus her feeling weepy all day just made her cry uncontrollably when she got the news.

Still, poor old Chloe - she'd been looking forwar to be ing a bridesmaid at her Grandfathers wedding (on her fathers side) but had passed out from heat, dehydration and too much excitement. On the way down she'd bashed her head and was out cold for some time. She's got concussion and is being kept in for observation, as well as being tested for epilepsy, just to be on the safe side. Puir wee thing! She really is such a sweetie. I do love it when she visits, and I was almost crying myself when I was trying to get Nicola calmed down to enough to tell me what happened.

Anyway, more news as and when we get it.

Other than that, we watched the Dave Gorman Collection on BBC2, which was very funny - in this episode Dave realises his flatmate Danny has tried to fake an email about a Dave Gorman to go for a free holiday in Hawaii. Cracking stuff!

Other than that I've been chilling out to Frank Drebin's antics on Paramount and having my first beer in a fortnight - man does it taste good! Goddam antibiotics have sorted my manky gums out, but kept me away from a decent pint. Well, that and consideration for Nic...

2002-07-18T22:00:00.000Z

Todays Monkey Quote - Why can't you do it? Why can't you set your monkey free? Why can't you do it? Do you love your monkey or do you love me? (George Michael)

Todays Top Joke - A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there's a gorgeous redhead sitting nearby. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the confidence to talk to her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket. He jumps out of his seat, dives across rising like a salmon and plucks it out of the air. He hands it back to the gorgeous redhead.

"I'm so sorry", the woman says as she pops her eye back into place, "Let me buy dinner to make it up to you"

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh and they laugh even more. After paying, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and breakfast... The next morning, she cooks him a gormet breakfast with all the trimmings. The man is amazed! He can't believe his luck, everything had been incredible!

"You know something" he said, "you are the perfect lady, are you this nice to every man you meet?"
"No" she replies..... "You just happened to catch my eye... "

The Wisdom of Supermodels - ON COURAGE:
"They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit and I thought, 'Oh my God, I have to be so brave. See, every woman hates herself from behind.'"
-Cindy Crawford

Good grief, what a dreadful 24 hours it's been. Well, when I say that, it's all relative really isn't it? I haven't had a suicide bomber blow up my family, or been beaten badly by police because of the colour of my skin. Nor have I had friends and co-workers die in a horrendous helicopter crash, or had to work 18 hours non-stop making clay bricks for less than £1. When I say it's been dreadful I mean that in my cozy little world things have gotten a little harder.

Anyway, to start with yesterday I couldn't get to training because I had to work on until 8.30pm on a customer complaint that had gone to Lloyds of London. These really have to be dealt with asap, or else it costs the company big time. In a lot of cases even if we are in the right we have to cut our losses and agree to pay off the customer, knowing full well that if it is taken further a full file request from Lloyds would be incredibly expensive and time consuming. From a moral standpoint it is incredibly galling having to acquiese, but from an economic standpoint it makes better business sense to cut your losses and get shot of the annoying little blighter that's pestering you. Anyway, I stayed back and hopefully got it sorted.

Today in work the systems were shagged, so I couldn't get any real work done towards setting up Quality targets and procedures - another day down the drain. Also I was the only senior bod on the floor, so all phone complaints were routed to me. Great. Nicola, who works on the IT helpdesk, got it in the neck too 'cos for most of our company's 1,500 employees she is the first point of contact if we hit any problems with the computer systems. Her poor hormones making her tired weren't helped by this - she was shagged by the end of the day!

After work we met up with the lovely and very helpful Lett, who is a couple of months ahead of Nic in her pregnancy. We sat down for a coffee and a chat (in Starbucks of all places - my, how my standards have dropped since getting into this fatherhood malarkey) about all things to do with being expectant mothers and fathers. Lett reassured Nicola that yes, extreme tiredness and uncontrollable psychotic episodes are all part and parcel of the first three months of pregnancy. She did point out that it does come to an end though, and not to let things get to her where possible.

Lett also discussed how helpful her partner Matt has been in looking after her, and I have to admit I did feel quite guilty and embarrassed. He's been waiting on her hand and foot - preparing meals, breakfasts in bed, carrying everything heavier than a loaf of bread, foot massages, ice cream, oiling various parts of her bod blah blah blah. As for me, I've done some more dishes than usual, sorted out the cats litter tray and tried to get involved in the laundry a bit more, but that's about it... I have made a mental note that really I should try much harder, but I am still concerned that Nic will use the pregnancy to take advantage, rather than because I really SHOULD be doing this stuff for her - know what I mean?

When we got home Dad and his partner Regina showed up to have a chat and inspect the house. I'd asked Dad to pop over and give us the benefit of his DIY experience and wisdom. Apparently the spare bedroom ain't going to be a problem, but the walls in the hallway and particularly leading up to the landing are going to need to be done by professionals. This is due to the danger of falling from a great height when papering, and also getting a good job done of it. Papering is pretty much essential as the walls are in such a state - they need to be covered rather than painted over.

Also, Dad recommended that we should get the house valued before we even attempt any decorating, as if we decide we are going to move decorating would probably be a waste of money. I agree with him that we should get an estate agent in to have a look and advise us whether we need to decorate to be able to sell easily, or just sell asap and let the new owners do it up themselves. Once we have that info, along with what we might get for the house, we can begin to weigh up the pros and cons of moving or staying. Dad also offered to put us in touch with his financial advisor for some free advice on mortgages, costs involved, what we can afford or not etc etc, which was very good of him.

When Dad and Regina had gone I tried to discuss it with Nic, but she was way too tired to think about it, let alone discuss it. I found this incredibly frustrating as it is her house, and she has total control over what is done about it. I suggested that if she was too tired to worry about it at the mo I'd get an estate agent in to have a look and provide some advice. This is so I could at least begin to gather info, so when Nic is feeling more like chatting about it, we'll have all the facts at our fingertips. However, Nic took this as me making decisions about what to do with the house without her consent, rather than me trying to get the donkey work done while she is out of action.

A tired, but heated and (thankfully) brief occurred, during which I eventually had to rein my mouth in and just sit there saying nothing. God, it's so frustrating not being able to at least gather info for when we start making wheels turn, know what I mean? Nic may be too tired to want anything to do with this, but I'm keen to look into it as soon as possible ready for the 2nd trimester when hopefully Nic will actually WANT to get things sorted out quickly!!! If I've done all the legwork and gathered the facts together, half the bloody job is done. However if I do, Nic sees it as my overstepping my mark and making decisions she should have more say in than me!!! AAAARGHHHH!!!!!! *bangs head against desk repeatedly*

Aaah, that's better... the pain is taking my mind of the seemingly endless mental trauma and frustration. Plus I'm knackered and it's time for bed. Hopefully tomorrow will be a little more chilled. Nic has said I can pile over to a mates house tomorrow evening if I want, which I may well do. A change of scenery and a bit of breathing space may be just the ticket for both of us at the mo.

2002-07-17T12:59:00.000Z

Todays Monkey Quote - 'They'll be sorry. They'll be sorry if I die - except that I can't. Whatever you do it ends up raining. What's it all for? What's the point of it all? And if it hasn't got a point, what's the point of that?' (Monkey, series 2: episode 2)

Todays Top Joke - What's the difference between a smart midget and a venereal disease? Well, one's a cunning runt...

Howdy folks! I would apologise for not posting yesterday, but there's not much point - I'll only be apologising continually over the coming month otherwise. Yesterday my partner in crime on the Quality side of things at work got a glimpse of the work ahead to get our department up to speed. Let's just say my normal cheery (ha!) temperament took a bit of a nosedive. We've got to get a workable set of procedures and reports set up within the next ten working days. It's not an insurmountable task, but it will mean loads of overtime. We also have help in the form of cannibalising reports already used by other departments. Wish us luck!!!

Other than that, yesterday I did my first serious bit of carpentry in about 15 years. Our stupid plumber had installed our new shower too close to the hatch hiding our boiler and thermostats etc. As a result we discovered the other day we couldn't get the hatch open! Last night I had to saw it in half vertically, sand the edges and attach hinges so we can open it in an outward concertina fashion. I approached the job with some trepidation, as Nic and I had already argued over the best approach (she wanted to saw it horizontally) and so my pride and ego was at stake. Besides that I was keen to show Nic that no, I am not a total incompetent, and that sometimes I DO know best, contrary to popular opinion.

I did it! Woo hoo! It's a bit flaky, as I didn' realise how long the screws for the new hinges were. As a result they protrude through the paint on the outmost facing side. I had to tape some thick cardboard over them so no-one gets stabbed by them, but other than that it was a resounding success! the hatch now concertinas open with plenty of clearance from the shower unit, and we can happily adjust time and temperatures to our hearts content. Marvellous! While it was hard work I did get a bit of a kick out of successfully completing something very DIYish. That kind of thing normally eludes me. Nic has never really forgiven me for leaving a dozen holes in the wall from trying to put up a new shower rail...

As for today, I'm using a half hour lunch break to get this journal up to date. I met Nic earlier for a break, and we were discussing how her pregnancy might compare with other women in the building. There is a lovely (but slighty mad) lass in my department called Lett who is three months gone, and Nic considered approaching her to compare notes.

I had a word with Lett earlier, and she got all emotional on me - she was dead chuffed that her kid might have a playmate in Spud. She was more than happy to tell me of the violent mood swings she'd been having, and warned me to take it easy and not shout back if Nic tries to bite my head off and spit down my neck. Also she gave me some cool advice on herbs Nic shouldn't be touching. Unfortunately most of them are in the curries Nic loves. Do'h!

I told Nic that Lett would be more than happy to have a chat about stuff, and a date has been arranged for 6pm tomorrow. More news on how that goes as and when!!!

As for me, I'm fine. I've got training tonight which should prove interesting, considering how knackered I was after the heat and humidity in Monday's training sesh. Other than that, I've got to get in touch with my dad, as he is supposed to coming over tomorrow evening to give me some decorating advice.

2002-07-15T22:31:00.000Z

Todays Monkey Quote - Get your filthy paws off me you damn, dirty ape. (Taylor, Planet of the Apes)

Todays Top Joke - A newly married couple returned to their house after being on honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and have a shag?" the husband asked.

Shhh!" said the bride, "All the neighbours will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin! In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it", replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep. When she woke up however, she was feeling a little amorous herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No thanks" said the husband, "It was only a small load and I've done it by hand."

Good evening peeps! I'll start todays post off with a groan - UURGH. Man, I hurt. I'm not long back from a serious training sesh involving nasty necks throws. In fact, some of the techniques I'll be moving onto shortly can be so nasty Mike reminded me I should get my membership and insurance sorted asap. Besides that we went over and over a 50 piece fist set. I think it's called Hung Shuen, or something like that. I'm still sruggling with the language, but am picking the form up ok. However, it was so damn hot and clammy it really took it out of us.

Actually, now I think about it, I haven't posted since about 1am on Sunday morning, so I've probably got quite a lot to say. What did we do on Sunday? Ermmm... Oh yeah, I worked. Afterwards we were going to see Minority Report, but the weather was so nice when I finished at 4pm that we went for cycle ride up the Taff Trail. This is a 30 mile cycle path that runs from Cardiff to Merthyr Tydil, alongside the river Taff. It's actually very scenic and pictureseque. We only cycled about two and a half miles before stopping for a pub lunch, and then home again. A five mile round trip - it's the furthest Nic has ever cycled with me, and the furthest I've cycled in about 6 months! Nic was complaining about her knees hurting, which isn't surprising. She also complained that she couldn't have a pint with her pub lunch. Mind you, neither could I due to these antibiotics, so we were square.

We generally tried to relax and have a chat about stuff. Nic has been getting very wound up and upset as she realises her independence is finally coming to an end. She is coming to terms with the fact that she will have to share everything to make sure the child gets a good life. Up until now it has been HER house, HER cats, HER lifestyle, HER way of doing things. Now it is going to be OUR house and OUR lifestyle etc. Let's just say she's having trouble getting her head around the concept.

In the evening we chilled out and watched the rest of a video about Bruce Lee. It was called 'Bruce Lee - The Warrior' or something like that, and concentrated on the filmed footage which was to be his magnum opus, 'Game of Death'. The documentary explored how, try as they might, the people who came to own the unused film after his death couldn't understand his vision. In the end they used a very small part of about 120 mins of footage, and fitted a very poor film around it with a Bruce Lee lookalike standing in. The result was appalling.

In the documentary they used the notes Lee left behind to piece the film, script and philosophy together. They end up with an excellent short film (about 20-30mins) showing Bruce and his comrades climbing a five storied pagoda. On each floor is a master of several different martial arts, like Escrima, Ju Jitsu and so on. Their task is to reach the top pagoda, where the ultimate prize awaits. This was to be the last 20 or so minutes of the planned film, 'Game of Death'.

Lee's idea was to show how his newly developed style, Jeet Kune Do (or 'The Way of the Intercepting Fist) could meld itself around other styles, thus defeating them. As a film it worked very well! I'm not so sure about the real life combat applications of the moves though. Anyway, we were entertained, and it was definitely great seeing film footage of Lee not seen before, and when he was obviously at his peak.

As for today, it's just been an early start and work. I've had to show the new Team Manager, Lucy, how my team normally runs, and what's involved. At the same time I'm keeping tabs on my old team until she's up to speed AND getting involved in the Quality side of things (ie complaints, procedures etc), so it was non-stop all day.

I tell you what, I'm knackered! I'm off to bed! Night Night!

2002-07-14T00:14:00.000Z

Todays Monkey Quote - It's a familiar dance, monkey nipples, they both know it. (George, Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?)

Todays Top Joke - My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.

The Art of Error
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

Good morning! I was hoping to post this on Saturday evening, but didn't get to the PC in time. Nic and I have been watching the excellent Sport Relief on BBC1. It was a kind of charity event where people do sporty things to raise cash for kids in dire straits around the world. The crowning moment of the evening was watching Bob Mortimer and Les Dennis go three rounds in a boxing ring. They seriously went at each other!!! They'd trained for five weeks leading up to the event, and were taking it very seriously. Overall it seems £10 million was raised, £15 of which was from Nic and I. The fight alone was worth £15!!!

Other than that, loads to report. Nic and I didn't make it to see Minority Report on Friday - hopefully we're going this evening instead. Instead we spent a good half hour in Mothercare getting the gen on prams, so we know which to ask the willing family member to buy.

We tried having a crack at getting the spare room in order, prior to decorating it. We threw out loads of stuff and covered the remainder in sheets so we could sand the walls without getting dust everywhere. We weren't that successful, as Nic was tired out and we were at odds as to the best approach, DIY-wise. Eventually I ended up calling my Dad, who is far more experienced in these things than I. He gave me sound advice, including 'If you are thinking of selling the house, don't bother decorating.'

This advice was reiterated by my Stepmum Elsp, her partner Charlie and my sister Sarah when we met up for a drink in the evening. They are keen for us to move to Ponty, about 15 miles down the road, so they can provide us with as much support as possible. Nic and I have considered it also, because it is a nicer area and we may be able to get a cheaper (and possibly larger) house. The house we are in at the mo has doubled in value in 5 years, and if we can get a cheap house in Ponty we may save enough for Nic to work part-time after Spud is born.

Our options are:
a) do the house up and stay where we are
upside - if Nic returns to work full time, not far to travel
downside - the area is troggish and schools around here are appalling
b) do the house up quickly, sell, and move to Ponty
upside - better area, better school, family support
downside - Nicola may feel 'trapped' or pressured into living somewhere she doesn't like, a good hours journey to and fro work each day
c) do the house up properly and sell in a couple of years
upside - will get us through the first year, which is apparently quite tough
downside - house prices are rising rapidly in Ponty and we may not be able to afford to move there by then

Besides that we're getting concerned about childcare, nurseries and so on.

So much to consider!!!

Our next step, we have decided, is to get professional advice from an Estate Agent. Get the house valued and compare it to properties in Ponty. From there we could make a sounder and more informed decision.

Anyway, I've got work in seven hours so I'd better crash. This'll probably be my only post 'til Monday now. See you then!

2002-07-12T14:04:00.000Z

Todays Monkey Quote - Monkey Miracle: If it was put together by a monkey and it turns out to be good, that's a monkey miracle.

Todays Top Joke - So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'
(Tommy Cooper, RIP)

Today has been pretty eventful so far! I'm moving from Team Manager to the coveted (yeah, right) position of Senior Quality Executive in my company. Also, we run a Clean Floor Competition, for which I'm the Rep for my floor. As a result of all my harassment and bullying we managed to clean the place up, and won the competition!!! I think we have £200 towards a prize - I'm going to lobby for a Gamecube for our Chill Out Room.

Nic and I are off to the pics to see Minority Report tonight. This is a rare event for us as Nicola hates the cinema. I should be glad we're going at all, after the horrible 'Lord of the Rings' experience. I've never seen anyone actually cry from boredom until that day - poor old Nic hated it! Anyway, now she's up the duff and I'm on nasty antibiotics from the dentist there isn't much else we can do. Neither of us can drink, Nic is too tired for exercising (her hormones are still fizzling away) and there's not really that much to do in Cardiff. When my sis and Mum said this pregnancy will settle us down some they weren't bloody kidding!!!

2002-07-11T14:34:00.000Z

Todays Monkey Quote - Put a chef's hat on a mouse, and I'm a happy man. Of course, put a dress on a chimpanzee, and that's what I call entertainment. (Nathan Lane)

Todays Top Joke - Two prostitutes standing on a street corner. One says to the other, "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The other replies, "No, but I've been swung around by the boobs!"

The Art of Error
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Ah, a day off! Lovely! Not long been back from the dentist. Not a brilliant visit, basically 'cos not much was done bout the pain. I've been given some antibiotics for the inflammation caused by the wisdom tooth trying to come through. that should take some of the pain away. Other than that, one of my fillings has cracked and needs to be replaced. Bugger! I had an x-ray to see how my wisdom teeth were doing too. Last time I had one done, one of them was trying to grow sideways into my jaw. I fear the time may have come to finally get them taken out. Waaah!

Other than that I've been doing some chores and pissing about on the Gamecube. I had intended to get down the gym but didn't have time in the end.

2002-07-10T12:51:00.000Z

Todays Monkey Quote - "Can we put a monkey in it?" (South Park, film festival episode)

Todays Top Joke - Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal. Skillfully using his chopsticks, Obi-Wan deftly dishes himself a large portion of noodles into his bowl, then tops it off with some chicken and cashew nuts. All this is done with consummate ease you'd expect from a Jedi Master. Poor old Luke is having a nightmare, using his chopsticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself. Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says, "Use the FORKS, Luke."

That one goes out to all the Star Wars Homeboys in the hood!

Not a lot to report. Poor old Nic must be feeling a little neglected, as I exchanged my Spiderman Gamecube game for the Tony Hawks one and have been playing it non-stop! I've become a master of grind tricks, ollie-ing from one grind rail to another with ease! fab stuff. Nic went to bed early and left me to it. As much as anything else, I don't think she could stand the Nu-Metal soundtrack that accompanies each level. At least it nods to the classics by including Motorhead's 'Ace of Spades'.

Any news on the pregnancy front? Not really. We've been discussing what equipment we need and which family member scan get what - prams, cots, clothes, sterilising equipment and suchlike. My Mum has kindly offered to get a huge cot which should last from birth to 5 years old, so that'll save us a wedge. Nic's Mum is getting a pram, Nic's brother is passing his childrens clothes to us and Sarah (my sis) has offered me help with decorating. Brilliant!

Nic has been seeing how far she can push the pregnancy thing to get me to do stuff for her. So far she has been able to justify me cleaning out her cats litter tray (the germs are really dangerous to pregnant women) and getting me to shift heavy loads for her, like bags of compost etc. However, I've refused point blank to do some stuff. At the end of the day she's pregnant, not a cripple. So far it's only been occasionally she's asked me to do stuff, but I see the requests getting more frequent the larger she gets. Well, in a few months time fair enough I suppose.

Due to all this excitement other things have taken a slide. My thoughts returned to a project a mate of mine are working on - writing and illustrating a childrens book. 'The Tale of Shaolin Monkey' is the name - I thought I'd make use of my internet monicker, and always fancied a go at drawing monkeys... Anyway, so far I've come up with some cool sketches, but I think I should try doing some proper finished pages for the first chapter. That's all that's been written so far, besides the outline of the whole saga. It's going to be a huge project!!! Alan (my compadre in this venture) pointed out that by the time it's finished Spud will have probably learned to read!

Other than that, things are quiet. I've got the dentist tomorrow, so hopefully this nagging pain in my teeth and gums will be sorted and I can get back to training. I cut down on those painkillers 'cos they were spinning me out so much. It's a case of grinning and bearing it, with the odd painkiller to take the edge off...

I hate dentists... :-(

2002-07-09T10:13:00.000Z

Todays Monkey Quote -
Monkey: 'And where shall I find him, this King Youth?'
Earth God: 'He has a huge semi-detached palace at Black Pine Ridge.' (Monkey, series 1, episode 5)

Todays Top Joke -
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hotdog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."
When the monk asked for his change, the vendor replied, "Change comes from within."

Howdy folks! I missed another post yesterday - sorry about that! The reason being, my teeth are in a bit of a state at the mo and someone gave me some superstrong painkillers to deal with it. It got me through work ok, but it made me well woozy! As a result I couldn't go to training, and I was crashed out by 10.30pm! A very early bedtime for me!!! Anyway, dentist on Thursday for me, so I'm still quite lightheaded from them. The pain is bearable now though, which is something.

Not really much else to report, and I'm typing this in my break at work, so I'd better be quick. Nic has noticed her taste buds are a bit wonky - things aren't tasting like they should. She's having trouble describing it, but hopes it doesn't last long because she does like her grub. She has quite a discerning palate.

Me, I like the tatse of food, but I also like the feeling of being satisfied quickly, so I just shovel it in. I eat loads. People accuse me of being greedy (Nic certainly does!) but I don't put any weight on. I always thought the definition of greed was consuming more than you need. If I didn't need what I ate it I'd be a bloater. I'm not fat, therefore I'm not greedy. So stick that in your pipe and smoke it, you jealous buggers who can't eat loads without it hitting your hips big time!

Anyway, coming back to Nic - she's not at all happy about being pregnant at the mo. Her tits hurt, she's had to stop drinking and smoking (and everything else) and now she can't taste her food properly. Added to that, her doctors lost the urine sample so she's had no official confirmation of her pregnancy. Well, other than the receptionist saying 'Oh well, you must be' after hearing about the two home pregnancy tests we did. At least a Midwife visit has been arranged to take her through the next steps.

We're still discussing names, but Erlik seems like a hot favourite. Milo took a downturn because that the name of one of the Tweenies. Nicola is concerned Spud will get picked on because of that name, but isn't worried about Spud being named after a Scandinavian Prince of the Underworld...?!? Anyway, I'm lobbying to keep Milo in the top ten names for boys - I really want it to be a Milo!

2002-07-07T15:39:00.000Z

Todays Monkey Quote - In the days of chimpanzees I was a monkey. (Beck, "Loser")

Todays Top Joke - Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

The Art of Error
Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

Good afternoon! And what a lovely afternoon it is too. The sun is out, it's lovely and warm, the housework is done and I've still got an evening to go before having to return to the Elephant House. There's no fear of bombs going off, no stench of decay from people dead or dying of starvation, no fear of being arrested and dragged off because you forgot to make clear how wonderful you thought the government was. It's all peachy here, thank goodness.

I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to post a note yesterday. I didn't really have time, and posting wasn't really on the uppermost of my cerebrum. Nic and I had a wonderful day. It has been one of those rare weekends where I haven't been contractually obliged to work, or had to go into work for overtime to try and get the backlog down. Instead we were able to spend the day as we pleased.

I went to the gym in the morning while Nic was coming around and had a great workout. As it was really quiet I used some light weights to help condition my arms. I held them firmly while I went through a form I'm learning in Tong bei Quan. Normally I wouldn't practice this kind of stuff in front of strangers, as my Sifu has asked us to keep it quiet. However, there were only two others in the gym with me and they had their backs to me on the running machine. It was good! There was just enough room amongst the equipment to have a crack at the form, and the weights sure helped!

After I returned home we decided to go for a nice cycle, and ended up in Roath Park, by the lake. After a lovely cherry and vanilla ice-cream we hit the boats, and I did a circuit of the lake, going past the lighthouse. I've only ever rowed a few times in my life, and I was way out of practice, but I think I did ok. It's the kind of romantic thing I've always fancied doing with my partner, so it was nice. I think Nic enjoyed it too, for about 15 mins. Then she got bored. Such was my haste in getting the boat into shore I pranged an empty one, but the attendants just tutted a little when they helped us out. :-)

After that we had a nice meal in a place called Incognito. A fairly priced and quite large roast as put in front of me - it was gorgeous! The only down side was a slightly argumentative discussion about Nic's sudden interest in exercise and how I wished (for both of our sakes) she had come to realise the joys and benefits a bit earlier. Ah well, can't be helped I suppose. Better late than never, eh?

In the evening we watched Zoolander, which was an extremely light piece of entertainment, but very very funny. I hired out Tony Hawks Pro Skater 3 for the Gamecube, and played out the rest of the evening when Nic was in bed. All round a rather successful day!

Today has just been a case of cleaning eating and TV watching. Watched all of Batman: Mask of the Phantasm, and really enjoyed it! Another No Brainer, but what the hell. Mark Hamill played the Joker, which was quite cool. Also read a little more of 'Who is Dave Gorman?', which is quite funny. At the mo, his quest to find as many Dave Gormans as possible (well, 54) has landed him in New York. All sorts of weirdness ensues!

Tonight I'm going to have to crash early, as I'm stiff and sore from all the cycling, weight training, forms parcticing and rowing I did yesterday! And I've got work and more training tomorrow.

Heigh-ho... ;-)

2002-07-05T18:50:00.000Z

Todays Monkey Quote -
On the Ning Nang Nong
Where the Cows go Bong!
And the Monkeys all say Boo!
There's a Nong Nang Ning
Where the trees go Ping!
And the tea pots Jibber Jabber Joo.
On the Nong Ning Nang
All the mice go Clang!
And you just can't catch 'em when they do!
So it's Ning Nang Nong!
Cows go Bong!
Nong Nang Ning!
Trees go Ping!
Nong Ning Nang!
The mice go Clang!

What a noisy place to belong,
Is the Ning Nang Ning Nang Nong!!
(From 'Silly Verse For Kids' by Spike Milligan)

Todays Top Joke - I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

Man, I'm tired! I noticed how all my chums on Refresh Forums had been winning stuff by entering online competitions, something I used to do. I got really jealous of their winnings, so hopped onto Prizefinder and entered net competitions until 4.30am!!! Good grief, how stupid am I... Hopefully I might have won something though. In te past Nic and I used to enter loads, and every few weeks we used to get some nice stuff through the post. Winnings included tickets to Gatecrasher, a scooter, mobile phone, books, CDs, video's, games and so on. Great stuff!

Anyway, what with work etc, we've both been far to busy to enter competitions. I must make more of an effort - what we win we could sell! Goodness knows we need all the cash we can get our hands on to pay for all the arrival of Spud will entail.

Talking of Spud, Nic and I had some fun coming up with names for a boy and/or girl. For a girl we narrowed it down of Freya and Effie, but I think we're going to have to have a rethink - I'm sure there are nicer girls names out there. We came up with some crackers for a boy thoogh. Favourites included Clyde and Lloyd, but we really liked Milo (well, I like the Chinese name Mi-Lo) and Erlik. In fact, we were kind of hoping that we could have twin boys, specifically so Milo could have an evil twin brother.

As it turns out, it occurred to both Nic and I that we have a history of twins in the family. My grandmother on my fathers side was a twin, my father's sister had twins, and there are some obscure twins in Nic's family too. Wow, there goes my paycheque for the next 18 years! After eighteen years they're being booted out, like it or not. :-)

2002-07-04T09:44:00.000Z

Todays Monkey Quote - 2 banana, 4 banana, 1 banana, 3, swingin' like a bunch'a monkeys hangin' from a tree. (from the theme song for The Banana Splits Adventure Hour)

Todays Top Joke - Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It could be my Mum or my Dad. It could be my older brother Colin or my younger brother HoChiChung. I'm not sure, but I think it might be Colin.

The Art of Error
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

Good morning! How are you my fine feathered friends? I'm just fine and dandy, thanks for asking! Got a mild a hangover from the birthday celebrations last night.

Training was great last night, but extremely painful. I haven't checked my throat or adams apple for bruises yet, but I wouldn't be surprised if there was some there. We were practising combos of locks, strikes and throws - very nasty! You do have to be very careful not to go in too hard against your training partner when practicing this stuff, as it could lead to such things as spinal damage. Talking of wich, I must get my insurance up-to-date...

It's great to get out with the guys from training, but it's going to have to be a rare thing from now on due to the expense. Had a great chinwag with Tony and Mike (our instructor and Sifu, respectively) about training to come and the concepts behind some of the techniques.

Got chatting to a guy I've trained with but never really gotten to know, and it turns out he works for the printing company that deals with all the outgoing mail from my company! Small world. I learnt quite a lot about the guy in fact - he's my age and has a ten year old child. It was planned apparently! Imagine planning to have a kid when you're 20 years old??? Most 20 year olds end up being parents by accident... Anyway, he was a really nice bloke - down to earth, regular, nice smile. You can tell from a person's eyes how used to laughing they are. If they start to crinkle at the corners even if he isn't smiling you know that's a guy or gal that has spent a lot of his life laughing and smiling. I like hanging around with people like that!

Anyway, my curfew was midnight, but I was home by 10.45pm anyway. I thought it wouldn't be very safe to cycle home if I got too bladdered. Went to bed not long after I got in, so I'm not feeling too tired today - hurrah!

I booked a half day off work, hence the ability to sit here typing the diary. Poor old Nic had to go to work - she had a day off yesterday due to feeling too tired and feverish to go in. This morning she said she felt really teary. I often feel very teary when I drop my Nicotene intake, but I think Nic's emotions are also going through the wringer due to the change in her hormones. I gave a her a cooch and sent her off to work.

What next for today? Well, I've got loads of dishes to do, the gym to get to, lunch to eat and then work at 2pm. Another Daoish one!

2002-07-03T12:52:00.000Z

Todays Monkey Quote - 'With the charity of ignorant people towards the different and helpless they stuck Monkey in a cage. He entertained them willy nilly and free entertainment is not to be despised.' (Monkey, 70's Japanese TV series)

Todays Top Joke - "So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'" (courtesy of Tommy Cooper, RIP)

Howdy from the wild world of work! I'm on a 15 min break, so let's see how much I can fit in. I doubt I'll be able to get a post in tonight, as I'm intending to drink a fair amount after training.

Poor old Nic can't drink anymore. She's imposed a complete drinking ban on herself - not even the unit she's allowed each week is passing her lips at the mo. It's amazing she's found this willpower from somewhere - she never had it before!!! I'm going to have to show my support by cutting down the drinking to next to nil, but I think Nic understands that I'll be almost obliged to drink on certain occasions. My 30th birthday in 6 months will be one of them...

The puir wee lamb couldn't come into work today, due to feeling absolutely worn out and feverish. I expected this to happen - the raging hormones caused by the body getting used to it's new situation is what it's down to. To make absolutely doubly sure that her body IS in a new situation I ran a sample of her urine to the doctors today. We'll get final official confirmation from them on Friday. then she'll have to let work know, find out stuff from the doctor and allsorts. Perhaps then we'll be able to break the vow of silence and let our friends know the score...

I had an email from Mum about breaking the news to my Aunt and Uncle, Sue and Gordon. They were concerned I ws getting trapped in a relationship that I may have been better off out of. Fair enough, I suppose, considering the problems Nic and I have had in the past. While I disagree (I think Nic and I are determined to make it work now, no matter what!) it does leave a lovely warm feeling knowing your family really do have your best interests at heart.

Aah, so sweet! ;-)

Catch u later dudes and dudettes!

2002-07-02T21:15:00.000Z

Todays Monkey Quote - "Oh boy, the monkey is going to pay." (The Simpsons, 32 Short Films About Springfield)

Todays Top Joke - A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre. So he gave her one.

THE ART OF ERROR
In Japan they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku poetry has strict construction rules. Each poem has only three lines, 17 syllables: five syllables in the first line, seven in the second, five in the third. Haiku is used to communicate a timeless message often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity -- the essence of Zen.

I think I'll include one of these 'Zen and the Art of Error' poems every now and again, starting with this one:

The Website you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.

So, what happened today. Not much. Got up, was tired from messing about on the web til 1.30am, went to work, harassed all day but I still got a lot done, came home, did the bins, cleaned the cat litter tray, put some washing out, sorted the dishes, ate, watched TV, chatted to Nic about this and that. A very Daoish day today. Just went out and did stuff and let life roll over and around me.

Nic got a letter from my Mum offering support and help, which was nice. She tried to call Mum for a chinwag but couldn't get through. She's going to call tomorrow when I'm in training.

My chest hurts from the techniques we learned in training and I'm mildly stiff from the stretching and other exertions. Otherwise I'm fine, and looking forward to training tomorrow. I've got Thursday morning off to recover from the hangover I'll undoubtedly have after celebrating an instructors 30th birthday. If I'll be compos mentis when I get in will determine whether I post or not tomorrow.

Haven't got much to say on the subject of Nics preganancy tonight, so I won't bother. Nic is flapping a bit about how we're going to afford everything we'll need in nine months still. She doesn't seem to understand that 2/3 of the children in the world rarely get enough food or shelter, and that really we're in a very privileged position as parents-to-be. We are living in a country with a half decent health system, an education system that did a fair job on us, a stable economy and a political system which isn't likely to break down our door in the middle of the night and drag us off never to be seen again. A few million less cars and a better public transport system might help, but hey, things here are ok - know what I mean? As for what we have to offer the child, how about our health, a roof over our heads, food in our bellies and love for each other. What more can we offer our potential child? Will designer clothes, the latest toys and fast food really improve it's quality of life?

I'm sick of referring to this potential child as 'it' (although Nic has taken to calling it 'her!') - I'm naming it 'Spud'. Spud could be a boy or girl's name, so I think it'll be suitably non gender specific until we know the sex for sure. Then the real battle will begin... I favour Kaleb for a boy and Kelsey for a girl. Nic wants Claude or Claudia. As for surnames, as we're not married it's going to have to be doube-barrelled. Guess whose surname is going first... *sigh*

2002-07-01T22:05:00.000Z

Todays Monkey Quote - "Children hate ugly people. Oh, but they'd love a talking monkey!" (Upright Citizens Brigade)

Todays Top Joke - A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's crosseyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's crosseyed? " "No, because he's really heavy".

Welcome to the 1st of July! It's more like 1st of October outside though - pissing down with rain, windy and cold. Ah well - training tonight sure warmed me up! I was sweating buckets for most of it. It wasn't due to the warm up, the stretching or anything obviously physical, strangely enough. We were taught some excellent techniques, some real eye openers the likes of which I haven't seen since I first began. Pulling the techniques off, the effort of concentration, and the sheer physical agony of being used as a demonstration model is what caused the sweat. Great fun!

I didn't see as much of Nic today as a normal day due to training, but we still had a chance to have a good chinwag. Since reading that Miriam Stoppard book she's gone out and bought loads of healthy food like brown rice, apricots, nuts, skimmed milk and so on - all things supposedly full of the goodness a pregnant woman needs. For the first time ever she seems interested in following some of the basic exercise regimes laid out in the book. They're the kind of things I've been suggesting we do together for ages but ended up just being me doing them on my own that she's actually taking an interest in!! She's also not smoking and not using Nicotene Replacement Therapy and seems...ok (famous last words). In fact she seems quite cheerful (you're just asking for it) and upbeat (you've jinxed it now!) which is remarkable considering her evil tempers even when she is pumped full of the noxious substance!

She had a little bit of a panic when she started to consider the cost of the child, such as childminding if she went back to work or surviving on my wage alone if she didn't. I think Mum will probably come down from Edinburgh knowing her - Sarah (my sister) reckons it's the kind of direction she's been trying to find for some time.

It's kind of bizarre that a little bunch of cells is causing such a stir in the family. Sarah and Jane are both looking forward to being Aunties, and Sarah has offered to help get the house decorated and the room for the kid sorted. Elsp (my stepmum) has got in touch to wish us well, Dad has emailed me more than usual (once) and Mum has sent Nic a letter offering any help, and wanting to have a woman to woman chat with her at some point. Crazy!!!

There isn't much else to relate. Work was a little less hectic than usual, which was nice - not too many distractions and got a fair bit done.

Got home and found a new copy of 2000AD on my doorstep. For about £9 a month I get 5 doses of 'thrill power', as it's called. I've recently resubscribed after a break from reading it of about eight years. My partner when I was 21/22 thought it very childish and put pressure on me to stop reading it. Like a fool in love I did, to keep her happy. My mistake! I ended up throwing out some of the best artwork and stories to ever grace the pages of a comic. Anyway, I've been reading it again for about a month, and it's pretty good. It'll never be the same as the old Dredd/Strontium Dog/Rogue Trooper/ABC Warriors line-up, but it's still worth a read. Mind you, there is a new series of Strontium Dog due to start shortly, by the fantatsic writer/artist team of John Wagner and Carlos Ezquerra. Brilliant!

Anyway, I think that's going to be it from me today. Take care all!

And remember... let's be careful out there.

2002-06-30T00:01:00.000Z

Todays Monkey Quote - I hope your babies look like monkeys! (Michele, Romy and Michele's High School Reunion)

Todays Top Joke - A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

Well, it's now officially the 30th, because I've been pissing about on the net again for so long that it's well past midnight.

Anyway, I'll probably not get a chance to write the blog note for today later, so I'll do it now.

Nic has given up booze and fags just like that. She was told by her doctor previously that if she were to get pregnant she can't use patches to give up, so she's going absolutely Cold Turkey. This means Hell on Earth around the house for the next month. Nic is a livewire at the best of times, and I've got a bit of a temper too, so no doubt this will mean fireworks in the near future. Wish us luck! We're going to need it...

I've been in the process of giving up too, on and off for about three years or more. Yesterday I just had to rush out and buy a pack of ten, knowing full well I would never be smoking again. Bollocks to what people say - smoking is enjoyable! It will be a drug that I will really miss. However, the things it could do to my child, born or unborn, are too much for me to consider maintaining this filthy vice. Also, I should have really given up permanently years ago, due to having almost died from serious asthma attacks on two occasions. Both times were after having had a fag, although admittedly one occasion was due to smoking a 'Carpathia'. That is a homegrown filterless, a Romanian cigarette - they are so cheap that you have to pull them out of the packet horizontally or else all the baccy would fall straight out onto the floor...

Anyway, I'm off to work in about seven hours, so I should crash really. After that I'm going to try and get down to the gym, even though I'm still really sore from last Wednesdays Tong Bei Quan class. Nic is going out with her mate Cath to watch the football World Cup, so I've got some time to myself. Hopefully Cath will bear the brunt of Nics foul mood... Not that I'd wish it on anyone!

2002-06-29T22:21:00.000Z

Todays Monkey Quote - "She lost a leg, but she gained a monkey." (Brian Unger, When Animals Go On TV)

Todays Top Joke - "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."

You know, the Bonobo Apes spend most of their days eating fruit and shagging. I've been doing similar (with work providing an irritating interruption), hence the following results...

Blimey, how life can change so quickly in such a short space of time. In what way, I hear you cry. Well, to put it bluntly, my partner is pregnant. My first reaction? 'OH SHIT!'

Seriously though, it's actually really cool. We'd been trying on and off for a few months, but what with a few problems with the relationship and how we were relating, we'd decided to put it on hold for a wee while. Too late! She did the test this morn, being a few days late for her period and all, and the little pink line popped up clear as day. Nic (my partner) thought I was going to get all emotional on her, but that didn't happen. Well, not straight away anyway - when my Mum started blubbing when she got the news that set me off too. I've tried getting in touch with all the family to let them know, but couldn't reach my sisters or my Stepmum to tell them. I don't want to tell them by email, so I've asked them to call me asap.

My Dad had a great idea for a name if it was boy - Pierce! This was a joking reference to... er... a part of my anatomy with a ring in it. Other than that he did a round of congratulations etc.

We have to be careful not to get too heavily into the 'we're going to be parents' mindset at the moment though, as aparently the first three months of pregnancy is the most treacherous. If a miscarriage is going to happy it's most likely to happen in the next few months. Also, Nic raised the question of amniocentesis (sp?) which helps identify if the child may be Downs Syndrome and/or other genetic problems. There is a risk of miscarriage during this procedure, but I think Nic would prefer to have it done, as Downs children are more common in mothers of her age (34), and I agree when she says she wouldn't be able to cope if the child were Downs Syndrome. I know this opens us up for loads of hate mail from the Pro-Lifers, but Fuck 'Em - they're not having the child, we are.

So, this blog started as the mindless whitterings of some guy with little or no focus, and a few vague interests, but now may turn into a day-by-day account of a father to be.

Whaddaya know, huh? ;-)

Other news: spent a whole load of money as a final fling before saving for decorating the spare room and buying nappies and mobiles for the cot. Amongst the purchases were three books:

Invisible Monsters - Chuck Palahniuk - bought on the strength of how much I enjoyed his book 'Fight Club'.

Are You Dave Gorman? - Dave Gorman - having seen his extremely funny TV series, I had to get this. Check the link out for more!

Fast Food Nation - Eric Schlosser - which should give me more info for when I wish to go off on one of my nefarious diatribes on the state of the world, how corporations are fucking with us and how we're all going to be sucked dry by the bastards unless we do something - fast! See also No Logo - Naomi Klein.

I also bought Retrospective - KRS-One, a hip hop album of some repute. I don't normally like hip hop at all (except that one by Run DMC and Aerosmith) but have heard one or two of KRS-One's tracks on the radio, and was impressed by the lyrical qualities and the sign of a great intellect at work. Am listening to it at the moment, in fact, and it's actually a really pleasant surprise! While some of it is an ego-trip on the part of the guy, a lot of it does address many black issues in a serious and compelling manner. Anyway, get it for yourself and see what you think.

Another purchase was Spiderman for the Gamecube. It's a blast, but somehow I was expecting more. Anyway, the review in the link puts it really well. I would have given it a B+ though.

Finally, and probably most significantly, Nic and I went halvers on Dr Miriam Stoppard's Conception, Pregnancy & Birth, a book Nic has had her nose in for the remainder of the day.

Hardly surprising really. ;-)

2002-06-28T14:13:00.000Z

Just a quick post today, while on break at work. I wish I had time for a bigger one, including the monkey quote and joke of the day, but I haven't. Bah!

I'm out on the piss tonight to say tara to the lovely Sarah Brown. She's off to Australia for 3 months, the jammy get. Should get mightily bladdered, but if I don't I'll do a longer blog entry this evening.

2002-06-27T12:03:00.000Z

Todays Monkey Quote - "Laugh while you can, monkey boy." (Buckaroo Banzai)

Todays Top Joke - I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, the steaks are too high."

Oooh, I ache all over! I was thinking of heading down the gym this morning, but I'm starting to think I may have overdone it already. You know you trained hard by the way you feel the following morning, particularly around the legs from all the darn stretching.

Anyway, I've got today off too. Plans? Recover from the hangover from drinking with training chums last night, do some housework, maybe play on the Gamecube for a bit (probably Rogue Leader - it's such a satisfying shoot 'em up!) and wait for Nic to come home so we can go shopping.

My, how interesting life is.

2002-06-27T00:48:00.000Z

Well hello there! Finally we make it to the 27th! And it was a long and arduous task getting here...

I've had the day off, thankfully. Just as well considering I didn't crash until 5am is yesterday morning. That's internet addiction for you... *sigh*

Today has been pretty cool all round really. Lovely sunshine, got plenty done in it. I emptied my pennies jar and banked £54! Sorted! That took the edge of the overdraft, I can tell you. On a similar note I sent of stuff to the Student Loans company which should get my loans deferred for the 7th year running. Lovely! Also managed to get out and about on the bike. It's fab cycling in the sun, with a lovely cool breeze in your face!

Went training tonight for the first time in a fortnight. I worked bloody hard on a particular form and seemed to get it there or thereabouts for the first time in ages. Mike, our Sifu (Literally means your Father or Teacher. In our style we mean our Chief Instructor) asked me to come to training on Mondays as well. This was a good thing (besides the extra pain I'll have to endure) as previously only people Mike thought could move on would be invited to Mondays' classes.

Anyway, went out for a few beers with the guys from training afterwards, and had a laugh. About time too. :-)

2002-06-26T03:23:00.000Z

By the way, in case you were wondering about the motto:

Simia quam similis, turpissima bestia, nobis! ~ How like us is that very ugly beast the monkey! - Cicero

2002-06-26T03:14:00.000Z

Blimey, only two and a bit hours since my last post!

Who would have thought the amount you can accomplish in such a small amount of time! Such as grasping basic HTML enough to change my motto, add my email address and include some of my favourite links.

MY BRAIN HURTS

why oh why oh why oh why do I stay up way past my bedtime doing stuff that has no impact on anyone or anything.

*sigh*